The Family’s Black Sheep

I feel like I am the “black sheep” in my family. I frequently hear individuals say this. Some individuals will present in a way where their body language is often slouched, they have poor eye contact and they “ooze” shame. Others in this group, will sit up in an obstinate fashion and have the fire of rebellion in their eyes. You can almost hear them talk out loud, “If they think I am the black sheep of the family, I will show them what a black sheep looks like for real…”

Wikipedia describes a black sheep as, “an idiom used to describe an odd or disreputable member of a group, especially within a family.” 

It is clear to me in my interactions with these individuals, after several questions, that the term black sheep is often self-induced by individuals who feel different from their family members. The term can also be inferred by family member’s when an individual within that system does not comply with family expectations.  When this happens an individual can experience shame from within and shame from without. Shame is a depreciator of personal value in these instances and accelerates relational disconnect. The injured individual will often shut down and withdraw from family systems as a way to self-preserve because the judgement and lack of acceptance can be extremely painful or, an injured individual will use anger and other destructive behaviours to try and make a statement in an attempt to validate himself. 

Working with these individuals to move towards self-acceptance is some of the most rewarding work I am privileged to do. Changing the frame by which they look at themselves and dismantling false beliefs and negative self-perception helps such individuals come to accept and celebrate themselves. This changes how they interact with significant others and with those in their world in general.

 Many of us are conditioned to believe that for a family to be healthy and desirable then individuals need to be blended together. My mom in law makes an incredible green smoothie that echoes health in every cell in my body J I can tell by the taste and smell what ingredients are in this drink, yet I cannot visually tell the ingredients apart in this vibrant thick green drink. It makes it difficult to appreciate the individual contribution of the many exotic ingredients used. This got me thinking about how individuals who expect to get blended into familial patterns can sometimes fail to be celebrated for their uniqueness and appreciated for who they are. A fruit salad would be a better expression of healthy relationships. Where, we get to be a part of the whole while adding our flavour, essence and colourful dynamic of ourselves to our families. It is where the all the flavours can come together in a distinct and unique way in harmony and acceptance to create something beautiful, fragrant, colourful, meaningful and useful. 

The reframe for individuals who are perceived to be the “black sheep” in their families can be seen this way. They are individuals who may have a strong sense of self. Well-differentiated individuals are those who have become skilled at finding the balance of relating and interacting with their family as well as remaining true to themselves by developing their autonomy. Those successful in their differentiation of self - have a greater awareness and understanding of themselves demonstrated by what they will and what they are not willing to negotiate.  Those who have a poor differentiation of self- are more likely to believe and act in accordance to what others say and believe of them and are susceptible to being fused (blended) into prevalent family emotions. This conformity causes vulnerability in the individual, increases stress and manifests as anxiety.  

If at the end of this blog you find that you are in fact not a “black sheep” but a well differentiated person who desires to be a fruit in a salad then stay strong. Be who you are with confidence. Don’t become reactive to the pressure to blend in so that you lose your unique sense of self. Calmly be your wonderful, dynamic self. Celebrate you! If others continue to misunderstand you and continue to label you as the black sheep. Then wear that label proudly as you grow in your skill to relate to your family while remaining true to yourself J

References:

Goldenberg, I., & Goldenberg, H. (2013). Family therapy: An overview (8th ed.). Pacific Grove, CA: Brooks/Cole.

The Bowen Center for the Study of the Family, 2013.  The Bowen Center.  Retrieved from http://www.thebowencenter.org/pages/theory.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_sheep

Swim Out to the Deep

Growing up close to the ocean as a little girl afforded me the opportunity to become a strong swimmer. Swimming out into the ocean was my time to disconnect from every distraction on the shore. It was my time to reflect, refresh and regenerate. At times it was my vehicle of escape from the mudslinging matches that occurred close to shore. Sea sand being flung at you was extremely painful as it stung and sometimes left welts. As juveniles we considered this “fun” – go figure. As I matured I learned that I could be at the beach, have fun, and be entertained. I also learned how to avoid getting caught up in mudslinging matches. A few friends would try to follow me out into the deep but by the time they got close to me the mud and sand in their hands was washed away by the water in their effort to reach me. After a while, they stopped trying to engage me as it was too exhausting and futile.  

 Bernard Shaw echoes my experience so eloquently in his quote,

“I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.” George Bernard Shaw

Individuals who constantly draw you into their “drama” or highly toxic emotional conundrums can be likened to mudslinging matches.  When you engage in this activity you end up becoming disoriented, confused, feel attacked and are exhausted from trying to find solid ground under your feet. You leave this type of interaction feeling hurt and vulnerable and vow to yourself never to succumb to this convoluted way of interacting again but … inevitably you do because individuals who love drama are highly skilled at drawing you in. They have special bait with your name attached to it. They will use your low self-esteem, your need to help, your fear of failure or your need for approval to lure you into their toxic traps for the purpose of disarming you and increasing self-doubt in you so you can serve their agenda.

Ross Rosenberg came up with a brilliant treatment technique to help individuals deal with narcissists. He calls this technique, “observe don’t absorb”. Observing a shark through a tank allows you to become familiar with its mannerisms and characteristics, indulging your curiosity, while you allow the glass tank to be a barrier for your safety. Choosing to jump into the tank on the other hand would get you absorbed into the shark’s world, where you are no longer safe as you become easy target to the shark’s predatory behaviour. 

There is a way where you can disconnect emotionally from toxic relationships. It is where you are consciously choosing to observe behaviour without being sucked into it. Visualize yourself as an observer watching the show and refuse to become an actor in others “reality shows”. Separate your emotions from others behaviours. Feel what you feel because you want to feel them and not because someone is manipulating, guilting or shaming you into being responsive to their needs.

Create space for yourself. Determine how others fit into your life instead of being absorbed in to theirs. Leave the shoreline where mudslinging occurs and swim out to the deep. Leave behind (emotionally disconnect) those who only relate to you through drama – it is likely that you will find others out in the deep who will celebrate your courage and your strength as a swimmer - there you are free to be yourself.