The essence of empathy is that ability to understand and feel
human pain and suffering without having to experience it directly. It is that
deep connection that one feels with another person walking through challenges as
if one is walking through that experience oneself. On this premise, it is not necessary that empathy be matched by
personal experience.
However, the rate of
connection for example, between two women who have lost children tends to occur
more quickly than with a woman who has, and a woman who has not lost a child.
When I lost my baby, many friends surrounded me and supported me. The sharing
of my loss, pain and grief was a precursor to the empathy I felt from my
friends. They could not connect with my depth of emotional pain before I shared
it. One friend however, had lost a child and the connection I had with her was
different. It was immediate and it was unspoken. She sat next to me and did not
have to say anything or ask anything but I knew that she understood and felt my
deepest and saddest emotion and suffering. This gave me a different type of
support. She became a beacon of hope for me in that I could see myself enduring
and surviving this deep loss as she did, instead of being overwhelmed and
immobilized by my grief.
The rest of my friends were incredible. They cried with me and
shared in my sorrow. Though I felt their empathy and could rely on them for
anything, they could not touch me in that place of grief the way this particular
friend had. Her support anchored me and
gave me the will
to fight, the support and empathy of my other
friends gave me strength
to endure. The connection I felt with
the friends who had not, and the friend who had experienced a similar loss to
me was equal in value but different
in function.
Most of us have great capacity to be empathetic. Yet, we
struggle about how to support those we love when we have not experienced loss
as they have. It would be unrealistic to expect me as a therapist to have experienced
every emotional and mental trauma known to man in order for me to make that
empathic connection with my clients. It
would be akin to a surgeon having his leg removed in order to empathize with
his patient whose limb he had to remove. You can still achieve empathic
connection in an environment of compassion, acceptance, trust, honesty and
respect, even when you don't share similar experiences with others. It is
likely that the connection will build slowly as you listen, reflect and walk
through the loss together. This is in contrast to that immediate
connection felt when two people share a similar experience. The important thing is that the connection is
made and sustained through empathy and the unconditional care that you extend
to those you care for. The quality of
connection between people is not contingent upon shared experiences but on
your ability to connect and identify with that raw human essence in the
core of each person's struggle and how they respond to this extension of care
and empathy from you. Avoiding people's pain because you have not experienced
it interrupts our human design to serve and heal each other through our
humanness.
We are living in tragic times where many families amongst us are
experiencing suicides, accidents, divorce, sickness and abuse. This calls for us
to extend ourselves to those who are hurting. While we cannot fix their pain, being
present with those who are hurting can give them the will to fight and the
courage to endure and allow us the privilege to grow and heal together. Go be
present with someone today and remember that words are not necessary only
caring is.
.
