The Vulnerability Valve

Typically when we hear people speak of feeling vulnerable we tend to assign the meaning of weakness to it. There is a difference between powerlessness and being vulnerable. When someone is powerless there is a sense of feeling incapable and immobilized  by their inadequacy, where whatever they are experiencing or witnessing is beyond their control and influence. I have often felt like this as a mother as I watch my daughters develop and assert their independence. I cannot fix their heavy work schedules or write that difficult examination despite the stress I see, nor can I mend their broken hearts when they have been hurt. For many, watching their loved ones fight depression, anxiety and addictions can feel to be a very powerless experience. The inability to tap into your resources or find solutions can be a hopeless and dis-empowering time. Feeling powerless is often the result of external factors that are beyond your control.

Being vulnerable however is an internal position that requires a choice. I struggled with this idea for years as I was conditioned to believe that vulnerability was a sign of weakness. Keeping a “stiff up lip” thanks to colonialism and making sure everything looked grand on the outside while you fall apart on the inside was considered “optimal living.” I have come to learn and experience that being vulnerable is a powerful and freeing way to live. This is not about attention seeking or about falling apart. It is when well timed release of information can bring about an opportunity for you to grow and bond in your relationships. There is a strong correlation between vulnerability and intimacy. Intimacy is that place in relating where individuals aren’t afraid of sharing their deepest selves for fear of rejection.

Vulnerability is an invitation to intimacy and is the valve that regulates your emotional exposure. My daughter once said to me, “Mom you don’t have to be strong all the time”. At first this scared me and I was tempted to slip back behind my impervious wall of self preservation where I concealed my struggles.  In that moment I had to choose to be vulnerable and respond to her invitation to connect with her, not as a daughter but as a grown woman who was willing to share my load. It was a magical and freeing moment for us both. My daughter saw my vulnerability as strength and appreciated my willingness to trust her - I felt safety and support from her in a way that I had not experienced before in our relationship. Then it dawned on me that there were many times in my life where family and friends had issued similar invitations to intimacy and I had declined believing that I had to be “strong”. In those moments I did not exhibit strength I was at my weakest. The day I shared my struggles with my daughter when I chose to make myself vulnerable is when I learned what true strength was. Vulnerability requires risk and courage but the rewards of stronger, richer, and more intimate relational bonds are worth the risk.

The Power of a Personal Statement

I work with corporate clients to flush out mission and vision statements for their organizations. These statements often serve to harness and direct the power and potential of a team towards their vision. This way they can clarify their goals and obtain them in a unified and focused way. Powerful and effective mission statements must answer these three questions, “who are we, why do we exist and what do we exist for?". If any member on a team does not know the answer then they connect to the organization in a loose and uncommitted way. "Buy in" from team members typically occur when individuals grasp and agree with the core purpose and vision of an organization in a way that causes them to tap into their essence and creativity and contribute to the realization of the corporate vision.

I have used a similar strategy in couple counselling to harness the strength of a couple and support them in their work to answer these questions, "who are we, how did we come together and why are we together." This type of work clarifies and strengthens the bond of their partnership allowing them to celebrate their individuality as they evolve and give to their partnership their best selves to see their common vision (hopes and dreams) comes to pass. The Couple Statement becomes the frame within which the couple lives. Here they are housed as a collaborative team to express and live out their lives in a loving, meaningful and respectful way. The intent is not to make their statement look good. It is how they live out their statement in a way that causes them to look good because, they are living their statement.

In my work with individuals experiencing various types of trauma as well as mental and emotional anguish I often see how they are defined by their circumstances. Some have been belittled their whole lives that they believe that they are "not good enough", others have been ignored and shunned and believe that they are "shameful and unlovable" and some have been told that they are losers where they believe “that they are failures and will never amount to anything". What we believe shapes our thinking and self perception. What we believe has power over us to shape us into becoming what we believe.

My clients often see themselves very differently from how I see them because of this negative shaping. I see compassionate, courageous, empathetic, caring, hard working and wonderful human beings who have survived hardship and tragedies that would make grown men buckle under the emotional and mental weight of their journeys. I have found that by supporting my clients to define who they are by who they know they are at the core of themselves, allows for them to triumph over what they have been told they are. After we have confronted and peeled back the layers of distorted thinking and self perception and the faulty mental wiring, my clients then start a wonderful constructive process of defining themselves by what is true. We continue to work together until they become what is true and the shift and transformation is the most beautiful experience to watch.

Here is a personal statement used with permission. It has been an honour to watch this individual become her true self.   

              “I am courageous, bold, confident and capable of making wise decisions;             
                I can trust myself; I deserve to be treated with dignity and respect”
                                                                                                                Anonymous

You have power and potential within you but circumstances in life often lead us to focus on our lack and our most negative qualities. I encourage you to write a personal statement today - let it become the frame of your life and then live to it in the most lavish way you can until you become the authentic you :)

Connecting with Others Through Empathy - Experience Not Necessary

The essence of empathy is that ability to understand and feel human pain and suffering without having to experience it directly. It is that deep connection that one feels with another person walking through challenges as if one is walking through that experience oneself. On this premise, it is not necessary that empathy be matched by personal experience.

However, the rate of connection for example, between two women who have lost children tends to occur more quickly than with a woman who has, and a woman who has not lost a child. When I lost my baby, many friends surrounded me and supported me. The sharing of my loss, pain and grief was a precursor to the empathy I felt from my friends. They could not connect with my depth of emotional pain before I shared it. One friend however, had lost a child and the connection I had with her was different. It was immediate and it was unspoken. She sat next to me and did not have to say anything or ask anything but I knew that she understood and felt my deepest and saddest emotion and suffering. This gave me a different type of support. She became a beacon of hope for me in that I could see myself enduring and surviving this deep loss as she did, instead of being overwhelmed and immobilized by my grief.

The rest of my friends were incredible. They cried with me and shared in my sorrow. Though I felt their empathy and could rely on them for anything, they could not touch me in that place of grief the way this particular friend had.  Her support anchored me and gave me the will to fight, the support and empathy of my other friends gave me strength to endure. The connection I felt with the friends who had not, and the friend who had experienced a similar loss to me was equal in value but different in function.

Most of us have great capacity to be empathetic. Yet, we struggle about how to support those we love when we have not experienced loss as they have. It would be unrealistic to expect me as a therapist to have experienced every emotional and mental trauma known to man in order for me to make that empathic connection with my clients.  It would be akin to a surgeon having his leg removed in order to empathize with his patient whose limb he had to remove. You can still achieve empathic connection in an environment of compassion, acceptance, trust, honesty and respect, even when you don't share similar experiences with others. It is likely that the connection will build slowly as you listen, reflect and walk through the loss together.  This is in contrast to that immediate connection felt when two people share a similar experience.  The important thing is that the connection is made and sustained through empathy and the unconditional care that you extend to those you care for.  The quality of connection between people is not contingent upon shared experiences but on your  ability to connect and identify with that raw human essence in the core of each person's struggle and how they respond to this extension of care and empathy from you. Avoiding people's pain because you have not experienced it interrupts our human design to serve and heal each other through our humanness.

We are living in tragic times where many families amongst us are experiencing suicides, accidents, divorce, sickness and abuse. This calls for us to extend ourselves to those who are hurting. While we cannot fix their pain, being present with those who are hurting can give them the will to fight and the courage to endure and allow us the privilege to grow and heal together. Go be present with someone today and remember that words are not necessary only caring is.

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"Necessity is the Mother of Invention"

It is believed that Plato was the author of this saying, which contains the meaning that difficult situations actually inspire creative ways to deal with such difficulties. It is an interesting thought that problems themselves contain the ability to inspire you towards actions and solutions. That, within the problem lies the solution is a very different way of looking at problems.

Re-framing in therapy is a technique used to assist individuals in seeing things differently by changing the lens through which they view their challenges. It is how facts are preserved and assumptions are confronted. Assumptions are the frames that limit your capabilities and your perception of self.

When you change the frame, the power of the assumption or false belief is destabilized and often broken as the structure that holds a belief together is challenged and can no longer support that belief. A thought or a situation that often arises for me is, "I cannot reach anything" - the frame or belief that holds this statement together is, " being short limits me." If I reframe by saying that, "Dynamite comes in small packages", I am not denying my small/short stature but I have changed how I see my smallness.

As necessity mothers invention, reframing mothers possibilities and causes you to see situations through alternative and creative ways. For example, you could say, "This conflict in my marriage or place of work is an impossible situation" you can choose to distort, exaggerate or deny the factors around this conflict or you can choose to reframe the situation. If you are able to reframe, then you can create new ways of thinking. Instead of seeing the situation as impossible you can say, "This conflict gives us the opportunity to find new ways of relating." The reframe shifts you into a new place and instead of withdrawing from the conflict and feeling hopeless, hope is unlocked and creative solutions and strategies come into view.

Like necessity inspires innovation and invention, reframing dismantles supporting beliefs around limiting thoughts and causes you to shift into new perspective and creative thinking zones.

So... happy dismantling. Remember preserve the fact but change the assumption/belief and then begin to create the way you would like to live. My reframe today is that I am no longer living to work but I am working to live! 

Acceptance is Power

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“Lord, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Francis of Assisi

 

I am sitting at the airport contemplating my day. Our flight has been delayed two hours. I had used up all the battery life on my iPhone - from "stalking" my daughters and distant friends on Facebook. I am bored. After reading a crumpled and discarded newspaper and trying to lure my husband away from his work to entertain me(to no avail), I decided to finally relent and accept this delay instead of trying to find ways to be distracted from it. The words  of  Francis of Assisi came to mind and this got my wheels turning.

This man was exceptional in his insight from way back in the 13th Century. I could not change the fact that the weather had delayed the flight - this was beyond my control. I could not change my husband's steely focus on his project- this was somewhat in my control :) I became aware that my agitation and boredom was within my control and something I could change. So, I pulled out my laptop and decided to write this blog and put the delay to good use. Until this realization, I had no creative thought about writing. Something happened when I decided to accept my present circumstance. It unlocked an ability that would have otherwise remained dormant and un-accessed.

Many of us are exhausted and worn out because we have not developed the skill to accept the things we cannot change. When you choose for example, to accept that a relationship has ended, that you made a poor investment, or that a loved one is sick - the acceptance in itself gives you power to no longer be trapped by the powerlessness of your circumstances. By accepting that a relationship has ended you are empowered to position yourself to take what you learned and prepare yourself differently, because you have clarity about what you actually want and deserve in any future relationships. When you do not accept, that a relationship has ended, you become a victim to all the things that you wish you had said but never did. In a sense, your lack of acceptance keeps harming you because you are trapped in an ending that never ends without any room for a new beginning.
 
I had to exercise wisdom in discerning that my husband was too engrossed in the project he was working on. Demanding any attention from him would have been futile and frustrating. I then had to have courage to confront my own boredom and make an effort to change my attitude by writing a blog which had been on my "to do" list for the past week. The progression is subtle and if you are out of sync with yourself, you may miss the power and progression that comes with acceptance. After acceptance, comes courage and wisdom. Wisdom is the correct application of knowledge. Wisdom will increase your ability to discern how to effectively respond to your life challenges.

Acceptance, which may appear to be very passive at first glance, is actually a dynamic force that has the power to propel you out of an unpleasant situation into something hopeful, beautiful and transformative.   

Memory Foam Happiness

A memory foam mattress has a way of molding to the body that lies on it and forms a memory through the heat and pressure applied by that body. It is said that the comfort derived from sleeping on this mattress is bar none. This got me thinking about happy moments in my life and how the pressure from those moments on my emotions and memory cause such incredible feelings of happiness that when I am enveloped in that moment nothing else matters. The longer I stay in that memory the more I remember the beauty and the extravagance of that encounter and the more it creates a mold of comfort and joy around me.

As human beings, there is a strong pull to focus on the negative things in life and those areas of life that's not working for us. Science is showing that our brains and the way we think are structured and molded by what we focus on, give attention to, and rehearse. These patterns in our brains are called neural substrates. We create highways in our brain by how we think, and how we think becomes the vehicles that carry the cargo of our emotions, which is expressed by the way we respond to life. Have you ever noticed that people who focus on the negative things in life are grumpy, hard to be around and do not like themselves very much? It does not take much for them to revert to their negative and grumpy states -where even a harmless look from a passerby can be interpreted poorly and they find themselves immediately in a state of discouragement. The brain of this person is like that memory foam mattress, which is responsive to that familiar negative thinking and feeling pressure.

The great news is that our brains are responsive and malleable and can be trained to respond to different ways of thinking. By training your brain and changing your mind you are able to defy your genetic predisposition. You don’t have to be like your angry mother and depressed father. Choose to focus on what is working, as well as the good things that are happening in your life today. Scientific evidence is showing that the longer you stay with a happy memory, the longer you allow your senses to absorb the effects of that happiness, then the easier and quicker it is for you to get to that happy place again. This is true for when people say, "That just took me to my happy place". What is your happy place? For me it is often the birth of my children and my marriage but today I am thinking of my girlfriends who tease me about the way I pronounce things. I am smiling and thinking about ways I can be with them again and recreate those memories. I am molded and enveloped by the warmth of their love, acceptance, sisterhood and joy. I am choosing to stay with this memory 10 seconds longer as I write so that my brain cells respond to this stimulation of happiness and forms a stronger and more active memory so that I am able to access what is great and what is noble and joyous in my life quicker than what is negative and not working.

Find your happy place today and stay there just a few seconds longer, let your family, friends, colleagues and the stranger in the coffee shop become curious about that smile on your face :)