NO DUMPING ALLOWED !

“I am not a toxic wasteland; no dumping allowed" Abby Napora

Understanding the value of boundaries is the best gift you can give yourself. When healthy boundaries are set they preserve that space for you to continue to do your work to become the you that you want to be, and makes a demand on those around you to respect the requirement you set in place to maintain your health.

For this to occur you must have a sense of your personal value so that you are able to assert your value through boundary setting conversations. When this does not occur in your relationships then boundary lines become blurred and you become a dumping ground for others toxic emotions and dysfunctional behaviours.  

 

Most fear setting boundaries because they fear losing relationships or creating distance in their emotional ties with those they love. The opposite is true. Boundaries question and bring clarification to the type and quality of bond you have with those you relate to. If your bond only exists with a friend around talking and criticising other friends then that bond needs to be inspected in light of what emotional health and relationships mean to you.  Otherwise you will always feel unsafe in that relationship - because if this friend can "gossip" so freely about others you will always doubt your safety in that relationship. So, an example of a boundary setting conversation in this context would be, “I so desire to cultivate and strengthen my friendship with you. It would be meaningful for me if we focused on those things that make us better as individuals. For this to happen can we commit to not talking about others except we do it in a positive way? If I see that others are being talked about in a negative way I want to give you the heads up that I will be dis-engaging from the conversation. I need to do this because I don't want to be a toxic dumping ground."

 

If you are feeling overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted it is likely that your boundaries are permeable. You may be a dumping ground for people who cannot manage their own toxic emotions and need to release some to you in order to relieve some of their own pressure - yet all they do is make room for more toxic emotions and their process to deal with the issues that need attention in their lives become interrupted by your enablement.  

 

Setting boundaries keeps you safe and redirects others to do their own work. "I love you and I want you in my life but your anger needs to be checked at the door of our friendship. If you cannot find a way to manage your anger, I will have to limit our visits to an hour instead of a day. I really hope that we can continue to grow together but your anger hinders our ability to establish a closer and more meaningful friendship."  

 

Setting boundaries is like putting on a hazmat suit. It allows you to be in toxic environments where you can offer support and assistance without compromising your own value by succumbing to and being overcome by others inability to cope with their own emotional toxicity. Setting boundaries require reflection and courage. Determine what is important and then tap into your desire to be better choose to be courageous and then schedule boundary setting conversations and put up the sign posts around your life - " I am not a toxic wasteland; no dumping allowed."