Swim Out to the Deep

Growing up close to the ocean as a little girl afforded me the opportunity to become a strong swimmer. Swimming out into the ocean was my time to disconnect from every distraction on the shore. It was my time to reflect, refresh and regenerate. At times it was my vehicle of escape from the mudslinging matches that occurred close to shore. Sea sand being flung at you was extremely painful as it stung and sometimes left welts. As juveniles we considered this “fun” – go figure. As I matured I learned that I could be at the beach, have fun, and be entertained. I also learned how to avoid getting caught up in mudslinging matches. A few friends would try to follow me out into the deep but by the time they got close to me the mud and sand in their hands was washed away by the water in their effort to reach me. After a while, they stopped trying to engage me as it was too exhausting and futile.  

 Bernard Shaw echoes my experience so eloquently in his quote,

“I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.” George Bernard Shaw

Individuals who constantly draw you into their “drama” or highly toxic emotional conundrums can be likened to mudslinging matches.  When you engage in this activity you end up becoming disoriented, confused, feel attacked and are exhausted from trying to find solid ground under your feet. You leave this type of interaction feeling hurt and vulnerable and vow to yourself never to succumb to this convoluted way of interacting again but … inevitably you do because individuals who love drama are highly skilled at drawing you in. They have special bait with your name attached to it. They will use your low self-esteem, your need to help, your fear of failure or your need for approval to lure you into their toxic traps for the purpose of disarming you and increasing self-doubt in you so you can serve their agenda.

Ross Rosenberg came up with a brilliant treatment technique to help individuals deal with narcissists. He calls this technique, “observe don’t absorb”. Observing a shark through a tank allows you to become familiar with its mannerisms and characteristics, indulging your curiosity, while you allow the glass tank to be a barrier for your safety. Choosing to jump into the tank on the other hand would get you absorbed into the shark’s world, where you are no longer safe as you become easy target to the shark’s predatory behaviour. 

There is a way where you can disconnect emotionally from toxic relationships. It is where you are consciously choosing to observe behaviour without being sucked into it. Visualize yourself as an observer watching the show and refuse to become an actor in others “reality shows”. Separate your emotions from others behaviours. Feel what you feel because you want to feel them and not because someone is manipulating, guilting or shaming you into being responsive to their needs.

Create space for yourself. Determine how others fit into your life instead of being absorbed in to theirs. Leave the shoreline where mudslinging occurs and swim out to the deep. Leave behind (emotionally disconnect) those who only relate to you through drama – it is likely that you will find others out in the deep who will celebrate your courage and your strength as a swimmer - there you are free to be yourself.