I feel like
I am the “black sheep” in my family. I frequently hear individuals say this. Some
individuals will present in a way where their body language is often slouched,
they have poor eye contact and they “ooze” shame. Others in this group, will
sit up in an obstinate fashion and have the fire of rebellion in their eyes.
You can almost hear them talk out loud, “If they think I am the black sheep of
the family, I will show them what a black sheep looks like for real…”
Wikipedia
describes a black sheep as, “an idiom used to describe an odd or
disreputable member of a group, especially within a family.”
It is clear
to me in my interactions with these individuals, after several questions, that
the term black sheep is often self-induced by individuals who feel different
from their family members. The term can also be inferred by family member’s
when an individual within that system does not comply with family expectations.
When this happens an individual can
experience shame from within and shame from without. Shame is a depreciator of personal
value in these instances and accelerates relational disconnect. The
injured individual will often shut down and withdraw from family systems as a
way to self-preserve because the judgement and lack of acceptance can be extremely
painful or, an injured individual will use anger and other destructive
behaviours to try and make a statement in an attempt to validate himself.
Working with
these individuals to move towards self-acceptance is some of the most rewarding
work I am privileged to do. Changing the frame by which they look at themselves
and dismantling false beliefs and negative self-perception helps such
individuals come to accept and celebrate themselves. This changes how they interact
with significant others and with those in their world in general.
Many of us are conditioned to believe that for
a family to be healthy and desirable then individuals need to be blended together.
My mom in law makes an incredible green smoothie that echoes health in every
cell in my body J I can tell by the taste and smell what ingredients are in
this drink, yet I cannot visually tell the ingredients apart in this vibrant
thick green drink. It makes it difficult to appreciate the individual contribution
of the many exotic ingredients used. This got me thinking about how individuals
who expect to get blended into familial patterns can sometimes fail to be
celebrated for their uniqueness and appreciated for who they are. A fruit salad
would be a better expression of healthy relationships. Where, we get to be a
part of the whole while adding our flavour, essence and colourful dynamic of ourselves
to our families. It is where the all the flavours can come together in a
distinct and unique way in harmony and acceptance to create something
beautiful, fragrant, colourful, meaningful and useful.
The reframe
for individuals who are perceived to be the “black sheep” in their families can
be seen this way. They are individuals who may have a strong sense of self. Well-differentiated
individuals are those who have become skilled at finding the balance of
relating and interacting with their family as well as remaining true to
themselves by developing their autonomy. Those successful in their differentiation of self - have a
greater awareness and understanding of themselves demonstrated by what they
will and what they are not willing to negotiate. Those who have a poor differentiation of self-
are more likely to believe and act in accordance to what others say and believe
of them and are susceptible to being fused (blended)
into prevalent family emotions. This conformity causes vulnerability in the individual,
increases stress and manifests as anxiety.
If at the
end of this blog you find that you are in fact not a “black sheep” but a well
differentiated person who desires to be a fruit in a salad then stay strong. Be
who you are with confidence. Don’t become reactive to the pressure to blend in
so that you lose your unique sense of self. Calmly be your wonderful, dynamic
self. Celebrate you! If others continue to misunderstand you and continue to
label you as the black sheep. Then wear that label proudly as you grow in your
skill to relate to your family while remaining true to yourself J
References:
Goldenberg, I., & Goldenberg,
H. (2013). Family therapy: An overview
(8th ed.). Pacific Grove, CA: Brooks/Cole.
The Bowen Center for the Study of
the Family, 2013. The Bowen Center. Retrieved from http://www.thebowencenter.org/pages/theory.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_sheep
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