Resilience and its Relation to Grieving Responsibly

Resilience is Determined by Asking “How” and Not “Why”

The bounce back factor, that ability to recover after life has knocked you on your butt is controlled by your whys and your how tos. Why did this happen to me? Why did it happen now? Why do bad things happen to good people? These are questions that set us into downward spirals of thought and mood. Asking why in situations where you are powerless to change outcomes leads to dead end streets. Here anger, chaos, hopelessness and powerlessness live, rule and influence your ability to see and choose wisely.

I recently suffered a devastating loss. All my training and life experience came rushing forward in a heightened way to hold me accountable, so that I would to be responsible in my grieving. Being responsible in grief might seem odd to you – it felt odd to me. Yet, the more time I spent being present in my grief and the more time I thought about this accountability, I realized how empowering this awareness was to me. 

We have all witnessed at some time in our lives individuals who were reckless in their grief - lashing out in anger, using drugs and alcohol to escape reality and engaging in high risk behaviours. The fallout of this “reckless grief” is often strained or broken relationships, and physical, mental and emotional instability. 

One morning as I was getting ready, I was overcome with my sense of loss. I started to ask why? Why did this happen to me? Why now? I began to feel sad in an unhealthy way by the pull I was feeling to the “pit of depression”. I started to feel self-pity and felt victimized by my situation. Energy to face the day had spontaneously seeped from me and I could not find my feet. Feeling disoriented with the threat of me unraveling without being able to find an emotional knot to hold on to left me feeling fearful and powerless.

I took a breath and knew instinctively that if I kept asking why, I would not be able to find solid ground under my feet. I felt prompted to ask the question how. How can I get through the loss of my love and how can I get through the next 15, 30, 45 minutes? How can I get through the day? Asking how can I? – Shifted me. I felt strengthened and a different space opened before me. I was elevated out of the pit of depression and somehow I knew that I would survive, endure and eventually thrive again. Suddenly I could see the network of wonderful human beings surrounding my life and available to me in various ways. I was not alone! I was not isolated in my grief. 

Recent studies reveal that isolation and loneliness have significant impact on mental,  emotional and physical health.  I know this to be true from my experience. I also know from experience that making the necessary adjustments to my questioning and thinking allows me to connect even in grief in strong and abiding ways. If you have experienced a loss of a friendship, job, health, marriage or a loved one, think about how you feel when you constantly ask the question why? Now try asking how do I ….? Observe how you find inner strength by these self-empowering questions and how self-pity loses its hold on you.  Each day you do this more ground is covered and your “bounce back” factor will kick in. You will survive, endure and eventually thrive again. You will be resilient.