Swim Out to the Deep

Growing up close to the ocean as a little girl afforded me the opportunity to become a strong swimmer. Swimming out into the ocean was my time to disconnect from every distraction on the shore. It was my time to reflect, refresh and regenerate. At times it was my vehicle of escape from the mudslinging matches that occurred close to shore. Sea sand being flung at you was extremely painful as it stung and sometimes left welts. As juveniles we considered this “fun” – go figure. As I matured I learned that I could be at the beach, have fun, and be entertained. I also learned how to avoid getting caught up in mudslinging matches. A few friends would try to follow me out into the deep but by the time they got close to me the mud and sand in their hands was washed away by the water in their effort to reach me. After a while, they stopped trying to engage me as it was too exhausting and futile.  

 Bernard Shaw echoes my experience so eloquently in his quote,

“I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.” George Bernard Shaw

Individuals who constantly draw you into their “drama” or highly toxic emotional conundrums can be likened to mudslinging matches.  When you engage in this activity you end up becoming disoriented, confused, feel attacked and are exhausted from trying to find solid ground under your feet. You leave this type of interaction feeling hurt and vulnerable and vow to yourself never to succumb to this convoluted way of interacting again but … inevitably you do because individuals who love drama are highly skilled at drawing you in. They have special bait with your name attached to it. They will use your low self-esteem, your need to help, your fear of failure or your need for approval to lure you into their toxic traps for the purpose of disarming you and increasing self-doubt in you so you can serve their agenda.

Ross Rosenberg came up with a brilliant treatment technique to help individuals deal with narcissists. He calls this technique, “observe don’t absorb”. Observing a shark through a tank allows you to become familiar with its mannerisms and characteristics, indulging your curiosity, while you allow the glass tank to be a barrier for your safety. Choosing to jump into the tank on the other hand would get you absorbed into the shark’s world, where you are no longer safe as you become easy target to the shark’s predatory behaviour. 

There is a way where you can disconnect emotionally from toxic relationships. It is where you are consciously choosing to observe behaviour without being sucked into it. Visualize yourself as an observer watching the show and refuse to become an actor in others “reality shows”. Separate your emotions from others behaviours. Feel what you feel because you want to feel them and not because someone is manipulating, guilting or shaming you into being responsive to their needs.

Create space for yourself. Determine how others fit into your life instead of being absorbed in to theirs. Leave the shoreline where mudslinging occurs and swim out to the deep. Leave behind (emotionally disconnect) those who only relate to you through drama – it is likely that you will find others out in the deep who will celebrate your courage and your strength as a swimmer - there you are free to be yourself.  

Our Current Responsibility to Our Future Selves

"Be present” – stop thinking of and living in the future.  “If it feels good, do it”.  “Just enjoy life, you have a right to be happy.” These words are the social rumblings that flow down the streets we live on, through the doors of our lives influencing our psyche and guiding how we choose to live. On their own these words are attractive and liberating but in context these words carry a certain recklessness and carelessness.

  

No one turns 65 years of age and expects to receive a pension without having paid into a pension fund or becomes ill and expects employment insurance to pay them an income while they recover, if they have not contributed to EI. For these benefits to be available and accessible requires that at one time the individual seeking compensation responsibly contributed to these funds. This individual invested in his future self.

I often encounter individuals at a particular spot in their lives dealing with disappointment, self-doubt and a deep sense of sadness and loss that they are not where they had hoped to be at this stage of their lives. On taking inventory of their lives and journeys it becomes apparent they did not live responsibly with their future selves in mind. Some are financially bankrupt impulsively going after what they wanted and not what they needed. Others are relationally bankrupt having used up their sexuality as currency and are at a time in their lives where they desire meaningful relationship and connection, but are unable to secure it.

Previous generations may bear the legacy of working hard, being future focused, and fearing lack that they did not live present and available lives to their families. Today we have to ask ourselves how far this pendulum has swung and how far out of balance we are? When we enter our future selves are we going to find provision or will we enter a season of bankruptcy where we are searching for value and meaning because we only lived in the moment.  

There are so many social trends these days that living responsively to them can cause the most stable among us to become destabilized and unanchored. Just because it is a trend does not mean that it is right. I encourage you to stop and think about your present responsibility to your future self. Goofing off at school or university is not being responsible to your future self, eating without self-control will have future health consequence, a lack of activity will impact your physical strength and endurance and living un-conscientiously and dis-invested in your mental and emotional health will find you reaching for something that does not exist when you enter your future. 

Sow to where you are going. Invest daily in your everyday day choices towards your future self. Deposit in yourself today the self-respect, integrity and value you wish to have.  Don’t take your health, your sexuality, and your abilities for granted. Make conscious current investments that will bear dividends for your future self because, it is known that we cannot draw out of someone else’s account without getting into trouble …that is for another blog :)

Go ahead live responsibly today with your tomorrow in mind - "Out of sight out of mind."

Courage

According to http://www.thefreedictionary.com/courage courage is, "The state or quality of mind or spirit that enables one to face danger, fear, or vicissitudes with self-possession, confidence, and resolution; bravery."

Courageous living is becoming a rarity. We live in a world where we are conditioned to reach for quick fixes, take shortcuts and avoid pain at all costs. We fight from behind computer screens and other social media avenues - okay with our voices being heard and not our faces being seen. You cannot live this way without personal impact. Thinking systems are activated and patterns become entrenched in us when we live lives that lack courage. Lacking courage to address things outside ourselves is only an indicator that we lack courage to address things within ourselves. We are critical of our world and others because we are first critical of ourselves. We express hate and disdain for others because of our own self hate. It takes courage to face these dark places within ourselves instead cowardly projecting our "darkness" on others, especially if we want a different life than the one we have known. 

"Limiting beliefs, false assumptions, and emotional baggage which keeps us small has been conveniently hidden within a deep, dark place within us. We don't even know that it is down there, running our lives and sabotaging our dreams. We believe that we are ideal in many ways. We buy our own propaganda so that we don't have to face our weaknesses and do the work involved to turn them into strengths. It takes tremendous internal strength to go into that darkness that keeps us small in our lives. It takes great inner power to take a serious look at the way we are living and make the mid course corrections that will set us back on track." Robin Sharma

I recently read an article on "Snowplow Parents" who go ahead of their children and circumvent any hardship. The sad truth is that these children are placed at a serious deficit. They do not learn how to overcome adversity, be courageous and become resilient. In these types of realities the ability to live courageously is shut down and cowardice, apathy and the lack of common sense become the realities by which individuals then live their lives. This article gives some insight to why we as families and communities lack the courage to live our lives intentionally and in a meaningful way. We can curb this tide and change our legacies.

You may not have experienced a life where courage was modeled to you. You may not have had "Snowplow" parents, maybe abusive ones or parents who taught you how to cope by escaping into addictions or other ways of living that lacked courage. Your resilience may have been stunted and cowardice has been your normal. The exciting truth is that change is possible. You can cultivate courage and resilience. Work on challenging your fear and discomfort thresholds. Take a risk - do what you have always longed to do. First, work on loving yourself. Take steps to address those things about yourself that you dislike. Go with courage to those "dark" places within yourself so that you can courageously face the challenges outside of yourself. This way you can be kind to that co-worker that others are mean to and embracing of the outcasts at your schools and a speaker of truth against injustice and a bridge in broken relationships. Live courageously today and tomorrow you will find that you are braver, bolder and more resilient. 

Reference

http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/snowplow-parents-may-be-trapping-their-children/2013/12/20/4eceb40c-6749-11e3-8b5b-a77187b716a3_story.html

“Don’t Die Old Die Empty”

Existentialism is a philosophical movement that focuses on two major themes, the analysis of human existence and the centrality of human choice. There is a convergence of many beliefs and an emergence of a belief that as human beings we are more than our brains and that we exist for more than just a biological and scientific reason. There is a sense that we are on the planet for something greater than ourselves and that somehow we have to make meaning of the chaos in a complex world. 

I read an article by Dr. Myles Munroe recently where he claimed that successful living was not “dying old but dying empty.” He questioned how many graveyards were filled with so much unrealized potential with those who did not come to know and live to their potential and purpose. I was struck by the strength and the truth of these words. Many of us work so hard to survive life till old age that we stop living life. The most impacting people on humanity are those who turned tragedy into triumph and those who came to learn that despite their pain, loss and oppression they could make a difference in life and make meaning out of their pain.  Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King, Victor Frankl, Mahatma Gandhi, Joan of Arc, Maya Angelou, Rosa Parks and Amelia Earhart to name a few, are those who taught us how to use adversity as fuel to climb higher and go farther. These people did not die old they died empty – they did what they arrived on the planet to do and left a legacy of hope and change that will serve humanity for generations to come. We could probably add many inspiring human beings to this list from our own families and communities.

Growing up in an Apartheid S. Africa where value and privilege was given to you by the transcendence of your skin tone led me to use this oppressive and distorted experience to focus my life’s work on giving value and dignity to every human being I encounter while supporting them to come to know their true value and worth.  I want o die empty – making sure that I expended all my energy to make my world better and improve the quality of life for those who I am privileged to serve. 

If you are confused about why you are here and what your life is about, think about what is that “burr in your saddle” what is that thing that irritates you and frustrates you most? Is it injustice? Is it poverty? Is it a failing school system? Is it broken families? If it irritates you then you likely have the formula within you to respond to some or all of these issues. Refocus the energy of that irritation and let your potential be released in a way that will cause you to become a part of the solution – who knows along the way you may discover your life’s purpose and live your life so fully that you will not die old but you will die empty as you pour yourself out as a legacy for those who will come after you.

From Ignorance to Bliss

The things we don't know hurt us and undermine our ability to make necessary changes to become the type of people we want to be, and to create the type of life we want to have. We are familiar with the saying that, "Ignorance is bliss". This saying captures the apparent passive and artificial sense of well being that exists for those who choose to remain ignorant, as they stand in the way of their own evolution. Learning comes with the responsibility to assimilate what we learn into our lives so that we move from unconscious and avoidant behaviours to thoughtful and intentional choices to change and grow.

Those who are "unconciously incompetent" lack awareness and insight into the need for change. Being unaware essentially shows that you are out of tune with yourself and those around you. It can be frustrating to observe someone who is in a meeting and clicks their pen totally unconcious (unaware) that their habit is an irritant to others in the room. Someone in the room may have the courage to says something and then the 'pen clicker' become "conciously incompetent" (aware). He may become aware, yet lacks the ability to actually stop clicking his pen. He then makes a concerted effort to change his behaviour and demonstrates "concious competence" as he resorts to buying pens that do not have a clicking mechanism. This way he takes responsibility by harnessing and changing his behaviour and shows consideration for those around him. If Mr. Pen Clicker continues on in his change process then it becomes his 'new normal' where he is "unconciously  competent" and does right by reflex - he stops clicking his pen and becomes a joy to be around.

Awareness and taking responsibility  become the key ingredients for change that will move you towards bliss. We often become defensive when others point out our flaws and as such remain ignorant of our blind spots. If you are hearing recurrent themes about your behaviours and quirks from various sources in your life it is likely that there is need for change. If you have been told that you tend to be negative and have have a tendency to speak poorly of others see it as an opportunity for change and growth. Instead of resisting the light of awareness that wants to break through in you, embrace it. Cooperating with this awareness brings with it a natural energy that steers you towards responsible and blissful living.

The Workplace Epidemic

Work place bullying is being called a silent epidemic. It is also being considered a phenomena (Salin & Hoel, 2011) that occurs within many organizations and workplaces but it is predominant where there are no anti –bullying policies in place. Salin and Hoel (2011) in their research claim that where such policies are not in place an unspoken message is sent to individuals that bullying is a non issue for us. This creates an organizational vacuum where a distinct type of socialization occurs, as new members automatically adapt to the culture of bullying (Salin & Hoel, 2011).

 

Anxiety, irritability, poor sleep, chronic fatigue, musculoskeletal issues, depression, avoidant behaviour, absenteeism and an inability to cope with stress are some of the correlations that have been confirmed by research to be directly linked to workplace bullying (Hogh et el., 2011). A recent expose` by CBC news on the, “Silent Epidemic” claims, that 40% of Canadians experience some type of bullying in the workplace. http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/windsor/40-of-canadians-bullied-at-work-expert-says-1.987450  The stories in this documentary is heartbreaking to say the least where individuals have felt extremely targeted, unsupported and alone while trying to remain focused and continue to serve within their organizations.

 

This percentage is staggering as anti-bullying studies have been going on for 3 decades - 40% of the Canadian work force feels unsafe. This indicates that we have not been paying attention or we have chosen as a society at large to ignore what researchers have been telling about the emotional, mental and physical erosion of work place bullying. The reality is that individuals who are bullied are attached to family systems who are also recipients of the aftershock of their horrible and traumatizing experiences. There are far reaching familial and societal consequences as a result of bullying behaviour that go un-confronted. Bad behaviour that goes unchallenged becomes behaviour that is accommodated.

 

Finally, research shows that the workplace not only becomes an unsafe place for those being bullied but those who witness the bullying of their colleagues. Secondary trauma is when individuals witness trauma and the witnessing resonates within the witnesses as if the trauma is happening to them directly. The psychological consequence is the same as a child witnessing abuse in the home and feeling powerless to stop it (Berthelsen et el., 2011). Clearly, higher level accountability is required to even the playing field so that patterns of bullying in long established work systems are challenged and changed to minimize the cause and affects of workplace bullying. Managers and leaders must learn the art of leading by influence and not by force and aggression  in order to shift workplace culture from bullying to empowerment.

 

Anything reaching epidemic proportions requires social attention and a commitment by those in positions of influence to address and challenge this culture of work place bullying. Not to challenge it is to accommodate it. This insidious behaviour is allowed to persist and make workplaces toxic arenas in our societies.  To ignore and to avoid this phenomenon in our midst is to show cowardice at a time that calls for courageous leadership.

 

The goal of this blog is to raise awareness for employers and employees alike. It is not to create a platform for an ‘us and they’ scenario but to appeal to our humanity. We can spend upwards of 8hrs a day at our places of work.  We all have a responsibility to create an environment of safety and cultivate a culture of respect in an arena where we spend significant portions of our lives. If you identify with any of the symptoms described earlier in this blog, I want to assure you that you are not going insane and that your stress is real. Reach out for help instead of suffering in silence. It has been said that “evil flourishes when good men do nothing”. I encourage those who witness work place bullying to work through systems in place within your organizations to stand up to bullies. Leaders assess and implement policies in your organizations where all your employees can feel safe and look forward to coming to work instead of dreading their time there.  

 

                                                             References

 Berthelsen, M., Skogstad, A., Lau, B., & Einarsen, S. (2011). Do they stay or do they go?: A longitudinal study of intentions to leave and exclusion from working life among targets of workplace bullying. International Journal of Manpower, 32(2), 178-193.

 

Hogh, A., Mikkelsen, E. G., & Hansen, A. M. (2011). Individual consequences of workplace bullying/mobbing. Bullying and harassment in the workplace. Developments in theory, research and practice, 107-128.

 

Salin, D., & Hoel, H. (2011). Organisational causes of workplace bullying. Bullying and harassment in the workplace: Developments in theory, research, and practice, 227-243.