Get Out Of Autopilot Mode

My 18 year old daughter recently secured her new driver’s license. It was a wonderful and stressful experience all at once. Living through her learning journey with her gave me a new appreciation for the rules of the road. If you drive you are aware of the principle, “you steer where you look”.  Since our eyes determine the path our vehicles will follow, new drivers are trained to keep their eyes on the road as a way to ensure safety and develop their skills which cultivates a discipline that help new drivers manage distractions.

Thoughts much like sight pilot us towards a healthy or unhealthy emotional and mental life and determine the direction in which we will go. Life circumstances, genetics and socio-economic influences and our experiences shape well-worn pathways in our thought life. Depressive thoughts, anxious thoughts, victim thinking or hopeful and purposeful thoughts are influenced by our life experiences and what was modeled to us in our home-life.

The challenge many of us experience is how to stop unhelpful thoughts and lay new neural track for different and healthier thoughts to travel on. We tend to get discouraged when we try something new and it does not work or when we try to think positive thoughts and the “feel good” feeling is temporary and fleeting.

Henry David Thoreau aptly writes, “As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives.”

Thoughts affect our emotions and pilot our behaviours. For example, if I think I have failed someone close to me, I may feel sadness and shame. If I continue to dwell on how I failed that person and how their opinion of me has changed for the worse, then I start to feel low mood and low energy. I will start to feel depressed and have self-pity. If I continue to think on the event in an unhealthy way, I may become hypersensitive to the fact that I have not heard from this person and may start to feel increased shame, rejection and a sense of unworthiness. My behaviour would be to withdraw and to isolate where I continue to ruminate on this pattern of thought and may become increasingly anxious.

This emotional and mental fact pattern indicates that my negative belief about my self-concept was activated putting me in “autopilot mode”. Staying in autopilot mode can be threatening to your well-being. At some point you have to choose to get out of robotically thinking harmful and depreciating thoughts. You can stop, challenge and change unhelpful thoughts and decide to think the kind of thoughts you “wish to dominate your life”. Continue to think these thoughts and pilot your life to a new destination (responses & behaviours).

Hope goes into your future and issues you an invitation to join it there. If you want a hopeful, fulfilling and joyous life you must choose to stop allowing your life circumstances to put you in autopilot focusing on what’s not working, how you failed, who rejected you and how you can never achieve your goals. Consider this blog an alarm signal going off in the cockpit of your life alerting you to the danger of self-sabotage, isolation, depression and anxiety. Get back to the instrumentation panel of your thought life – reset your coordinates towards happiness, hope, empowerment and freedom and then keep thinking these thoughts over and over and over again until you arrive at your new destination and, once there keep thinking these thoughts over and over and over again so that you stay out of the danger zone.

The Family’s Black Sheep

I feel like I am the “black sheep” in my family. I frequently hear individuals say this. Some individuals will present in a way where their body language is often slouched, they have poor eye contact and they “ooze” shame. Others in this group, will sit up in an obstinate fashion and have the fire of rebellion in their eyes. You can almost hear them talk out loud, “If they think I am the black sheep of the family, I will show them what a black sheep looks like for real…”

Wikipedia describes a black sheep as, “an idiom used to describe an odd or disreputable member of a group, especially within a family.” 

It is clear to me in my interactions with these individuals, after several questions, that the term black sheep is often self-induced by individuals who feel different from their family members. The term can also be inferred by family member’s when an individual within that system does not comply with family expectations.  When this happens an individual can experience shame from within and shame from without. Shame is a depreciator of personal value in these instances and accelerates relational disconnect. The injured individual will often shut down and withdraw from family systems as a way to self-preserve because the judgement and lack of acceptance can be extremely painful or, an injured individual will use anger and other destructive behaviours to try and make a statement in an attempt to validate himself. 

Working with these individuals to move towards self-acceptance is some of the most rewarding work I am privileged to do. Changing the frame by which they look at themselves and dismantling false beliefs and negative self-perception helps such individuals come to accept and celebrate themselves. This changes how they interact with significant others and with those in their world in general.

 Many of us are conditioned to believe that for a family to be healthy and desirable then individuals need to be blended together. My mom in law makes an incredible green smoothie that echoes health in every cell in my body J I can tell by the taste and smell what ingredients are in this drink, yet I cannot visually tell the ingredients apart in this vibrant thick green drink. It makes it difficult to appreciate the individual contribution of the many exotic ingredients used. This got me thinking about how individuals who expect to get blended into familial patterns can sometimes fail to be celebrated for their uniqueness and appreciated for who they are. A fruit salad would be a better expression of healthy relationships. Where, we get to be a part of the whole while adding our flavour, essence and colourful dynamic of ourselves to our families. It is where the all the flavours can come together in a distinct and unique way in harmony and acceptance to create something beautiful, fragrant, colourful, meaningful and useful. 

The reframe for individuals who are perceived to be the “black sheep” in their families can be seen this way. They are individuals who may have a strong sense of self. Well-differentiated individuals are those who have become skilled at finding the balance of relating and interacting with their family as well as remaining true to themselves by developing their autonomy. Those successful in their differentiation of self - have a greater awareness and understanding of themselves demonstrated by what they will and what they are not willing to negotiate.  Those who have a poor differentiation of self- are more likely to believe and act in accordance to what others say and believe of them and are susceptible to being fused (blended) into prevalent family emotions. This conformity causes vulnerability in the individual, increases stress and manifests as anxiety.  

If at the end of this blog you find that you are in fact not a “black sheep” but a well differentiated person who desires to be a fruit in a salad then stay strong. Be who you are with confidence. Don’t become reactive to the pressure to blend in so that you lose your unique sense of self. Calmly be your wonderful, dynamic self. Celebrate you! If others continue to misunderstand you and continue to label you as the black sheep. Then wear that label proudly as you grow in your skill to relate to your family while remaining true to yourself J

References:

Goldenberg, I., & Goldenberg, H. (2013). Family therapy: An overview (8th ed.). Pacific Grove, CA: Brooks/Cole.

The Bowen Center for the Study of the Family, 2013.  The Bowen Center.  Retrieved from http://www.thebowencenter.org/pages/theory.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_sheep

Swim Out to the Deep

Growing up close to the ocean as a little girl afforded me the opportunity to become a strong swimmer. Swimming out into the ocean was my time to disconnect from every distraction on the shore. It was my time to reflect, refresh and regenerate. At times it was my vehicle of escape from the mudslinging matches that occurred close to shore. Sea sand being flung at you was extremely painful as it stung and sometimes left welts. As juveniles we considered this “fun” – go figure. As I matured I learned that I could be at the beach, have fun, and be entertained. I also learned how to avoid getting caught up in mudslinging matches. A few friends would try to follow me out into the deep but by the time they got close to me the mud and sand in their hands was washed away by the water in their effort to reach me. After a while, they stopped trying to engage me as it was too exhausting and futile.  

 Bernard Shaw echoes my experience so eloquently in his quote,

“I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.” George Bernard Shaw

Individuals who constantly draw you into their “drama” or highly toxic emotional conundrums can be likened to mudslinging matches.  When you engage in this activity you end up becoming disoriented, confused, feel attacked and are exhausted from trying to find solid ground under your feet. You leave this type of interaction feeling hurt and vulnerable and vow to yourself never to succumb to this convoluted way of interacting again but … inevitably you do because individuals who love drama are highly skilled at drawing you in. They have special bait with your name attached to it. They will use your low self-esteem, your need to help, your fear of failure or your need for approval to lure you into their toxic traps for the purpose of disarming you and increasing self-doubt in you so you can serve their agenda.

Ross Rosenberg came up with a brilliant treatment technique to help individuals deal with narcissists. He calls this technique, “observe don’t absorb”. Observing a shark through a tank allows you to become familiar with its mannerisms and characteristics, indulging your curiosity, while you allow the glass tank to be a barrier for your safety. Choosing to jump into the tank on the other hand would get you absorbed into the shark’s world, where you are no longer safe as you become easy target to the shark’s predatory behaviour. 

There is a way where you can disconnect emotionally from toxic relationships. It is where you are consciously choosing to observe behaviour without being sucked into it. Visualize yourself as an observer watching the show and refuse to become an actor in others “reality shows”. Separate your emotions from others behaviours. Feel what you feel because you want to feel them and not because someone is manipulating, guilting or shaming you into being responsive to their needs.

Create space for yourself. Determine how others fit into your life instead of being absorbed in to theirs. Leave the shoreline where mudslinging occurs and swim out to the deep. Leave behind (emotionally disconnect) those who only relate to you through drama – it is likely that you will find others out in the deep who will celebrate your courage and your strength as a swimmer - there you are free to be yourself.  

Our Current Responsibility to Our Future Selves

"Be present” – stop thinking of and living in the future.  “If it feels good, do it”.  “Just enjoy life, you have a right to be happy.” These words are the social rumblings that flow down the streets we live on, through the doors of our lives influencing our psyche and guiding how we choose to live. On their own these words are attractive and liberating but in context these words carry a certain recklessness and carelessness.

  

No one turns 65 years of age and expects to receive a pension without having paid into a pension fund or becomes ill and expects employment insurance to pay them an income while they recover, if they have not contributed to EI. For these benefits to be available and accessible requires that at one time the individual seeking compensation responsibly contributed to these funds. This individual invested in his future self.

I often encounter individuals at a particular spot in their lives dealing with disappointment, self-doubt and a deep sense of sadness and loss that they are not where they had hoped to be at this stage of their lives. On taking inventory of their lives and journeys it becomes apparent they did not live responsibly with their future selves in mind. Some are financially bankrupt impulsively going after what they wanted and not what they needed. Others are relationally bankrupt having used up their sexuality as currency and are at a time in their lives where they desire meaningful relationship and connection, but are unable to secure it.

Previous generations may bear the legacy of working hard, being future focused, and fearing lack that they did not live present and available lives to their families. Today we have to ask ourselves how far this pendulum has swung and how far out of balance we are? When we enter our future selves are we going to find provision or will we enter a season of bankruptcy where we are searching for value and meaning because we only lived in the moment.  

There are so many social trends these days that living responsively to them can cause the most stable among us to become destabilized and unanchored. Just because it is a trend does not mean that it is right. I encourage you to stop and think about your present responsibility to your future self. Goofing off at school or university is not being responsible to your future self, eating without self-control will have future health consequence, a lack of activity will impact your physical strength and endurance and living un-conscientiously and dis-invested in your mental and emotional health will find you reaching for something that does not exist when you enter your future. 

Sow to where you are going. Invest daily in your everyday day choices towards your future self. Deposit in yourself today the self-respect, integrity and value you wish to have.  Don’t take your health, your sexuality, and your abilities for granted. Make conscious current investments that will bear dividends for your future self because, it is known that we cannot draw out of someone else’s account without getting into trouble …that is for another blog :)

Go ahead live responsibly today with your tomorrow in mind - "Out of sight out of mind."