“Don’t Die Old Die Empty”

Existentialism is a philosophical movement that focuses on two major themes, the analysis of human existence and the centrality of human choice. There is a convergence of many beliefs and an emergence of a belief that as human beings we are more than our brains and that we exist for more than just a biological and scientific reason. There is a sense that we are on the planet for something greater than ourselves and that somehow we have to make meaning of the chaos in a complex world. 

I read an article by Dr. Myles Munroe recently where he claimed that successful living was not “dying old but dying empty.” He questioned how many graveyards were filled with so much unrealized potential with those who did not come to know and live to their potential and purpose. I was struck by the strength and the truth of these words. Many of us work so hard to survive life till old age that we stop living life. The most impacting people on humanity are those who turned tragedy into triumph and those who came to learn that despite their pain, loss and oppression they could make a difference in life and make meaning out of their pain.  Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King, Victor Frankl, Mahatma Gandhi, Joan of Arc, Maya Angelou, Rosa Parks and Amelia Earhart to name a few, are those who taught us how to use adversity as fuel to climb higher and go farther. These people did not die old they died empty – they did what they arrived on the planet to do and left a legacy of hope and change that will serve humanity for generations to come. We could probably add many inspiring human beings to this list from our own families and communities.

Growing up in an Apartheid S. Africa where value and privilege was given to you by the transcendence of your skin tone led me to use this oppressive and distorted experience to focus my life’s work on giving value and dignity to every human being I encounter while supporting them to come to know their true value and worth.  I want o die empty – making sure that I expended all my energy to make my world better and improve the quality of life for those who I am privileged to serve. 

If you are confused about why you are here and what your life is about, think about what is that “burr in your saddle” what is that thing that irritates you and frustrates you most? Is it injustice? Is it poverty? Is it a failing school system? Is it broken families? If it irritates you then you likely have the formula within you to respond to some or all of these issues. Refocus the energy of that irritation and let your potential be released in a way that will cause you to become a part of the solution – who knows along the way you may discover your life’s purpose and live your life so fully that you will not die old but you will die empty as you pour yourself out as a legacy for those who will come after you.

From Ignorance to Bliss

The things we don't know hurt us and undermine our ability to make necessary changes to become the type of people we want to be, and to create the type of life we want to have. We are familiar with the saying that, "Ignorance is bliss". This saying captures the apparent passive and artificial sense of well being that exists for those who choose to remain ignorant, as they stand in the way of their own evolution. Learning comes with the responsibility to assimilate what we learn into our lives so that we move from unconscious and avoidant behaviours to thoughtful and intentional choices to change and grow.

Those who are "unconciously incompetent" lack awareness and insight into the need for change. Being unaware essentially shows that you are out of tune with yourself and those around you. It can be frustrating to observe someone who is in a meeting and clicks their pen totally unconcious (unaware) that their habit is an irritant to others in the room. Someone in the room may have the courage to says something and then the 'pen clicker' become "conciously incompetent" (aware). He may become aware, yet lacks the ability to actually stop clicking his pen. He then makes a concerted effort to change his behaviour and demonstrates "concious competence" as he resorts to buying pens that do not have a clicking mechanism. This way he takes responsibility by harnessing and changing his behaviour and shows consideration for those around him. If Mr. Pen Clicker continues on in his change process then it becomes his 'new normal' where he is "unconciously  competent" and does right by reflex - he stops clicking his pen and becomes a joy to be around.

Awareness and taking responsibility  become the key ingredients for change that will move you towards bliss. We often become defensive when others point out our flaws and as such remain ignorant of our blind spots. If you are hearing recurrent themes about your behaviours and quirks from various sources in your life it is likely that there is need for change. If you have been told that you tend to be negative and have have a tendency to speak poorly of others see it as an opportunity for change and growth. Instead of resisting the light of awareness that wants to break through in you, embrace it. Cooperating with this awareness brings with it a natural energy that steers you towards responsible and blissful living.

The Workplace Epidemic

Work place bullying is being called a silent epidemic. It is also being considered a phenomena (Salin & Hoel, 2011) that occurs within many organizations and workplaces but it is predominant where there are no anti –bullying policies in place. Salin and Hoel (2011) in their research claim that where such policies are not in place an unspoken message is sent to individuals that bullying is a non issue for us. This creates an organizational vacuum where a distinct type of socialization occurs, as new members automatically adapt to the culture of bullying (Salin & Hoel, 2011).

 

Anxiety, irritability, poor sleep, chronic fatigue, musculoskeletal issues, depression, avoidant behaviour, absenteeism and an inability to cope with stress are some of the correlations that have been confirmed by research to be directly linked to workplace bullying (Hogh et el., 2011). A recent expose` by CBC news on the, “Silent Epidemic” claims, that 40% of Canadians experience some type of bullying in the workplace. http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/windsor/40-of-canadians-bullied-at-work-expert-says-1.987450  The stories in this documentary is heartbreaking to say the least where individuals have felt extremely targeted, unsupported and alone while trying to remain focused and continue to serve within their organizations.

 

This percentage is staggering as anti-bullying studies have been going on for 3 decades - 40% of the Canadian work force feels unsafe. This indicates that we have not been paying attention or we have chosen as a society at large to ignore what researchers have been telling about the emotional, mental and physical erosion of work place bullying. The reality is that individuals who are bullied are attached to family systems who are also recipients of the aftershock of their horrible and traumatizing experiences. There are far reaching familial and societal consequences as a result of bullying behaviour that go un-confronted. Bad behaviour that goes unchallenged becomes behaviour that is accommodated.

 

Finally, research shows that the workplace not only becomes an unsafe place for those being bullied but those who witness the bullying of their colleagues. Secondary trauma is when individuals witness trauma and the witnessing resonates within the witnesses as if the trauma is happening to them directly. The psychological consequence is the same as a child witnessing abuse in the home and feeling powerless to stop it (Berthelsen et el., 2011). Clearly, higher level accountability is required to even the playing field so that patterns of bullying in long established work systems are challenged and changed to minimize the cause and affects of workplace bullying. Managers and leaders must learn the art of leading by influence and not by force and aggression  in order to shift workplace culture from bullying to empowerment.

 

Anything reaching epidemic proportions requires social attention and a commitment by those in positions of influence to address and challenge this culture of work place bullying. Not to challenge it is to accommodate it. This insidious behaviour is allowed to persist and make workplaces toxic arenas in our societies.  To ignore and to avoid this phenomenon in our midst is to show cowardice at a time that calls for courageous leadership.

 

The goal of this blog is to raise awareness for employers and employees alike. It is not to create a platform for an ‘us and they’ scenario but to appeal to our humanity. We can spend upwards of 8hrs a day at our places of work.  We all have a responsibility to create an environment of safety and cultivate a culture of respect in an arena where we spend significant portions of our lives. If you identify with any of the symptoms described earlier in this blog, I want to assure you that you are not going insane and that your stress is real. Reach out for help instead of suffering in silence. It has been said that “evil flourishes when good men do nothing”. I encourage those who witness work place bullying to work through systems in place within your organizations to stand up to bullies. Leaders assess and implement policies in your organizations where all your employees can feel safe and look forward to coming to work instead of dreading their time there.  

 

                                                             References

 Berthelsen, M., Skogstad, A., Lau, B., & Einarsen, S. (2011). Do they stay or do they go?: A longitudinal study of intentions to leave and exclusion from working life among targets of workplace bullying. International Journal of Manpower, 32(2), 178-193.

 

Hogh, A., Mikkelsen, E. G., & Hansen, A. M. (2011). Individual consequences of workplace bullying/mobbing. Bullying and harassment in the workplace. Developments in theory, research and practice, 107-128.

 

Salin, D., & Hoel, H. (2011). Organisational causes of workplace bullying. Bullying and harassment in the workplace: Developments in theory, research, and practice, 227-243.

 

 

 

Sunglasses

Recently I was traveling with a girlfriend. She was driving and we were having a great visit. She was engaged in our conversation but I could tell that she had a greater appreciation for the scenery than I was having. Eventually she pulled off her funky sunglasses and handed it to me. My opinion of what I was seeing changed immediately as I saw the landscape in clear dimensions and vivid colour.

Perspective is something that came to mind. It is that ability to see things in the context of their environment. Prejudicial thinking often leads us to form opinions without bothering with the facts. We judge things through our filter of preference, level of comfort and opinion. When we do this our perspective is skewed because we judge facts through a filter that alters what we are looking at. The filter/perspective by which we view a matter is superimposed on the "actual" experience so that the reality/facts are distorted.

As a parent I place high value on respect. The thing that irritated me the most was when I used to give my children instructions for chores and they did not complete it or half completed it. I viewed their behaviour through my perspective that, "to follow through means that you have heard me and that you respect me to complete your task". My children's' insistence that they had forgotten or were distracted did not cut it for me and there was often consequences with little value in the outcomes. No one was happy. It was interesting that as I started to study and become more informed I realized that there were strong facts to support my children's "claims". Their prefrontal cortex - that part of their brain that involves rational thinking, where impulses are regulated and understanding of consequences is realized is underdeveloped in the teenage brain. My perspective changed from feeling disrespected to coach and educator. I began to find ways to help them remember and set systems in place that allowed them check in with me until their task were completed. What I was looking at did not change but the lens by which I was looking at did.

If you find that the same type of misunderstanding and conflict re-occurs in the various types of relationships in your life, it is likely that you are looking through a lens that colours the facts differently. Just like my friend's purple sunglasses caused me to have a greater appreciation for the landscape I was looking at, it is likely that a change in perspective will allow you to see the facts in the context of their reality and that distortion will give way so that you are able to make informed and healthier choices. This way you break old and dysfunctional patterns as you begin to view your world differently.

NO DUMPING ALLOWED !

“I am not a toxic wasteland; no dumping allowed" Abby Napora

Understanding the value of boundaries is the best gift you can give yourself. When healthy boundaries are set they preserve that space for you to continue to do your work to become the you that you want to be, and makes a demand on those around you to respect the requirement you set in place to maintain your health.

For this to occur you must have a sense of your personal value so that you are able to assert your value through boundary setting conversations. When this does not occur in your relationships then boundary lines become blurred and you become a dumping ground for others toxic emotions and dysfunctional behaviours.  

 

Most fear setting boundaries because they fear losing relationships or creating distance in their emotional ties with those they love. The opposite is true. Boundaries question and bring clarification to the type and quality of bond you have with those you relate to. If your bond only exists with a friend around talking and criticising other friends then that bond needs to be inspected in light of what emotional health and relationships mean to you.  Otherwise you will always feel unsafe in that relationship - because if this friend can "gossip" so freely about others you will always doubt your safety in that relationship. So, an example of a boundary setting conversation in this context would be, “I so desire to cultivate and strengthen my friendship with you. It would be meaningful for me if we focused on those things that make us better as individuals. For this to happen can we commit to not talking about others except we do it in a positive way? If I see that others are being talked about in a negative way I want to give you the heads up that I will be dis-engaging from the conversation. I need to do this because I don't want to be a toxic dumping ground."

 

If you are feeling overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted it is likely that your boundaries are permeable. You may be a dumping ground for people who cannot manage their own toxic emotions and need to release some to you in order to relieve some of their own pressure - yet all they do is make room for more toxic emotions and their process to deal with the issues that need attention in their lives become interrupted by your enablement.  

 

Setting boundaries keeps you safe and redirects others to do their own work. "I love you and I want you in my life but your anger needs to be checked at the door of our friendship. If you cannot find a way to manage your anger, I will have to limit our visits to an hour instead of a day. I really hope that we can continue to grow together but your anger hinders our ability to establish a closer and more meaningful friendship."  

 

Setting boundaries is like putting on a hazmat suit. It allows you to be in toxic environments where you can offer support and assistance without compromising your own value by succumbing to and being overcome by others inability to cope with their own emotional toxicity. Setting boundaries require reflection and courage. Determine what is important and then tap into your desire to be better choose to be courageous and then schedule boundary setting conversations and put up the sign posts around your life - " I am not a toxic wasteland; no dumping allowed."

Energy Smart

Recently we had a consultant come into our offices to evaluate our energy consumption and identify things we could do to help us conserve energy and save money on our hydro bill. The benefit to us was amazing. First, we were able to access rebates that we did not know were available to us, then we gained cosmetically appealing lighting systems and last of all, we were able to save money. This was an incredible deal - but, it required us acknowledging the consultant's report as valid, and then taking steps to embrace and implement her recommendations.

This got me thinking about 'energy depleters' in our lives and those things that drain energy from us – those things that cost us more than we are able to give. There is a saying that goes, "unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."  When unforgiveness is active in a person's life there is a tendency to spend massive amounts of emotional energy, ruminating, reliving the instances of hurt, being resentful and thinking of ways to be vengeful. It is interesting to note that the 'objects' of our unforgiveness often float through life with a certain amount of 'normalcy' and this irks us further, causing us to be incubators of  more and more toxic emotions. We become, mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted - this is a high price to pay for what takes value and gives nothing in return.

Forgiveness is the ability to discharge yourself from the act and the person who harmed you so that you are free to heal and make different choices for yourself. The distorted thinking that exists for many is that you need the person who harmed you to ask you for forgiveness in order to heal. Though asking for forgiveness is ideal it is not necessary. Some people wait a lifetime and go to their graves waiting for someone to apologize having being held hostage to the person and circumstances. When forgiveness is extended whether asked or not, you choose to no longer allow the offending person to have power over your days and your life. You stave off the places where you hemorrhage emotional and mental energy and conserve strength for efforts that can improve the quality of your life. During this process you will access benefits because of your choice to forgive that you would have otherwise been oblivious to – such as physical health and overall wellbeing.

If you have been attached to offenders and their offenses longer than you need to, if you can't remember the last time you were free of resentment and anger; it is likely that you have "drunk" the toxic poison of unforgiveness and energy has been sapped from your life causing you misery and pain. Go ahead and choose your freedom today over the offenders and their acts and discharge yourself from their ongoing power and control in your life.  Save your energy for you - be energy smart.

The Vulnerability Valve

Typically when we hear people speak of feeling vulnerable we tend to assign the meaning of weakness to it. There is a difference between powerlessness and being vulnerable. When someone is powerless there is a sense of feeling incapable and immobilized  by their inadequacy, where whatever they are experiencing or witnessing is beyond their control and influence. I have often felt like this as a mother as I watch my daughters develop and assert their independence. I cannot fix their heavy work schedules or write that difficult examination despite the stress I see, nor can I mend their broken hearts when they have been hurt. For many, watching their loved ones fight depression, anxiety and addictions can feel to be a very powerless experience. The inability to tap into your resources or find solutions can be a hopeless and dis-empowering time. Feeling powerless is often the result of external factors that are beyond your control.

Being vulnerable however is an internal position that requires a choice. I struggled with this idea for years as I was conditioned to believe that vulnerability was a sign of weakness. Keeping a “stiff up lip” thanks to colonialism and making sure everything looked grand on the outside while you fall apart on the inside was considered “optimal living.” I have come to learn and experience that being vulnerable is a powerful and freeing way to live. This is not about attention seeking or about falling apart. It is when well timed release of information can bring about an opportunity for you to grow and bond in your relationships. There is a strong correlation between vulnerability and intimacy. Intimacy is that place in relating where individuals aren’t afraid of sharing their deepest selves for fear of rejection.

Vulnerability is an invitation to intimacy and is the valve that regulates your emotional exposure. My daughter once said to me, “Mom you don’t have to be strong all the time”. At first this scared me and I was tempted to slip back behind my impervious wall of self preservation where I concealed my struggles.  In that moment I had to choose to be vulnerable and respond to her invitation to connect with her, not as a daughter but as a grown woman who was willing to share my load. It was a magical and freeing moment for us both. My daughter saw my vulnerability as strength and appreciated my willingness to trust her - I felt safety and support from her in a way that I had not experienced before in our relationship. Then it dawned on me that there were many times in my life where family and friends had issued similar invitations to intimacy and I had declined believing that I had to be “strong”. In those moments I did not exhibit strength I was at my weakest. The day I shared my struggles with my daughter when I chose to make myself vulnerable is when I learned what true strength was. Vulnerability requires risk and courage but the rewards of stronger, richer, and more intimate relational bonds are worth the risk.

The Power of a Personal Statement

I work with corporate clients to flush out mission and vision statements for their organizations. These statements often serve to harness and direct the power and potential of a team towards their vision. This way they can clarify their goals and obtain them in a unified and focused way. Powerful and effective mission statements must answer these three questions, “who are we, why do we exist and what do we exist for?". If any member on a team does not know the answer then they connect to the organization in a loose and uncommitted way. "Buy in" from team members typically occur when individuals grasp and agree with the core purpose and vision of an organization in a way that causes them to tap into their essence and creativity and contribute to the realization of the corporate vision.

I have used a similar strategy in couple counselling to harness the strength of a couple and support them in their work to answer these questions, "who are we, how did we come together and why are we together." This type of work clarifies and strengthens the bond of their partnership allowing them to celebrate their individuality as they evolve and give to their partnership their best selves to see their common vision (hopes and dreams) comes to pass. The Couple Statement becomes the frame within which the couple lives. Here they are housed as a collaborative team to express and live out their lives in a loving, meaningful and respectful way. The intent is not to make their statement look good. It is how they live out their statement in a way that causes them to look good because, they are living their statement.

In my work with individuals experiencing various types of trauma as well as mental and emotional anguish I often see how they are defined by their circumstances. Some have been belittled their whole lives that they believe that they are "not good enough", others have been ignored and shunned and believe that they are "shameful and unlovable" and some have been told that they are losers where they believe “that they are failures and will never amount to anything". What we believe shapes our thinking and self perception. What we believe has power over us to shape us into becoming what we believe.

My clients often see themselves very differently from how I see them because of this negative shaping. I see compassionate, courageous, empathetic, caring, hard working and wonderful human beings who have survived hardship and tragedies that would make grown men buckle under the emotional and mental weight of their journeys. I have found that by supporting my clients to define who they are by who they know they are at the core of themselves, allows for them to triumph over what they have been told they are. After we have confronted and peeled back the layers of distorted thinking and self perception and the faulty mental wiring, my clients then start a wonderful constructive process of defining themselves by what is true. We continue to work together until they become what is true and the shift and transformation is the most beautiful experience to watch.

Here is a personal statement used with permission. It has been an honour to watch this individual become her true self.   

              “I am courageous, bold, confident and capable of making wise decisions;             
                I can trust myself; I deserve to be treated with dignity and respect”
                                                                                                                Anonymous

You have power and potential within you but circumstances in life often lead us to focus on our lack and our most negative qualities. I encourage you to write a personal statement today - let it become the frame of your life and then live to it in the most lavish way you can until you become the authentic you :)

Connecting with Others Through Empathy - Experience Not Necessary

The essence of empathy is that ability to understand and feel human pain and suffering without having to experience it directly. It is that deep connection that one feels with another person walking through challenges as if one is walking through that experience oneself. On this premise, it is not necessary that empathy be matched by personal experience.

However, the rate of connection for example, between two women who have lost children tends to occur more quickly than with a woman who has, and a woman who has not lost a child. When I lost my baby, many friends surrounded me and supported me. The sharing of my loss, pain and grief was a precursor to the empathy I felt from my friends. They could not connect with my depth of emotional pain before I shared it. One friend however, had lost a child and the connection I had with her was different. It was immediate and it was unspoken. She sat next to me and did not have to say anything or ask anything but I knew that she understood and felt my deepest and saddest emotion and suffering. This gave me a different type of support. She became a beacon of hope for me in that I could see myself enduring and surviving this deep loss as she did, instead of being overwhelmed and immobilized by my grief.

The rest of my friends were incredible. They cried with me and shared in my sorrow. Though I felt their empathy and could rely on them for anything, they could not touch me in that place of grief the way this particular friend had.  Her support anchored me and gave me the will to fight, the support and empathy of my other friends gave me strength to endure. The connection I felt with the friends who had not, and the friend who had experienced a similar loss to me was equal in value but different in function.

Most of us have great capacity to be empathetic. Yet, we struggle about how to support those we love when we have not experienced loss as they have. It would be unrealistic to expect me as a therapist to have experienced every emotional and mental trauma known to man in order for me to make that empathic connection with my clients.  It would be akin to a surgeon having his leg removed in order to empathize with his patient whose limb he had to remove. You can still achieve empathic connection in an environment of compassion, acceptance, trust, honesty and respect, even when you don't share similar experiences with others. It is likely that the connection will build slowly as you listen, reflect and walk through the loss together.  This is in contrast to that immediate connection felt when two people share a similar experience.  The important thing is that the connection is made and sustained through empathy and the unconditional care that you extend to those you care for.  The quality of connection between people is not contingent upon shared experiences but on your  ability to connect and identify with that raw human essence in the core of each person's struggle and how they respond to this extension of care and empathy from you. Avoiding people's pain because you have not experienced it interrupts our human design to serve and heal each other through our humanness.

We are living in tragic times where many families amongst us are experiencing suicides, accidents, divorce, sickness and abuse. This calls for us to extend ourselves to those who are hurting. While we cannot fix their pain, being present with those who are hurting can give them the will to fight and the courage to endure and allow us the privilege to grow and heal together. Go be present with someone today and remember that words are not necessary only caring is.

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