Sunday 1 November 2015

What Happens When You Elevate Others?

The word elevate is a simple, but a powerful and an extraordinary word in the context of social consciousness. This word has the weighty requirement of action at its core. Elevating is all about lifting, raising, enhancing and advancing.

Several months ago, while having coffee with a dear friend I became aware of how committed she was to living her life in way that elevated all those she came in contact with.  As I listened to her stories I became acutely aware of how each time she helped a single mother, facilitated opportunities for a poor family or used her networking skills to connect the right person to the right job that her face lit up with the memory of their breakthroughs and successes as if their achievements were her achievements. 

It was a profound experience to observe someone who understood her place in the world where she was not in competition with, or threatened by anyone. She had incredible insight into what “doing life” with others was about. She had tapped into a life principle that when you make something good happen for others, you do “good” to yourself and when you elevate/raise/advance others you inadvertently elevate yourself.

This got me thinking about the state of our communities and why there seems to be so much chaos and heartbreak in our relationships as a result of us viewing each other as competitors rather than co-labourers in the vineyard of life. The growing aggression, hostility and lack of kindness in our world propagates a frenzied way of living where our focus on ourselves is all consuming. This way of living leads to self-absorption. Self-absorption is closely followed by selfishness, and with selfishness comes the need to self-elevate. When self-elevation occurs inadvertently someone is depreciated and the end result is hurt, distrust and ultimately relational alienation which has significant social and communal impact.

Make a choice as you go into your week to use your influence to connect and elevate others. Be conscious about living your life in a way where you raise the quality of life for those around you. After all, as a society we are only as strong as the weakest among us.  If you are tired of seeing weak people around you then clearly your passive judgement of them has not been affecting change. If it is in your power to do good, do it. Make that call that connects someone to that job, that opportunity that relationship. Help others find their spot and get into position. Who knows, we may start a social trend that by esteeming others we produce the “hot air affect” where we all rise out of our lack and together we will achieve a richer and more meaningful life. 

Monday 12 October 2015

Cultivating a Heart and a Mindset of Thankfulness

A holiday marked on a calendar once a year does not magically orchestrate thankfulness. It is Thanksgiving, and I am in a season of grieving at the sudden and recent passing of my wonderful husband. Similarly many others may have little to be thankful about.  I typically awake to the world curious about what life will bring me each day. I was more curious about what today would look like … after all it is Thanksgiving. Going through my daily regiment turned out to be an intensely reflective time as I pondered the events of the past 3 and a half months.

I became acutely aware, how oftentimes, as human beings we want something tangibly felt before thankfulness is evoked and spoken. What comes first the chicken or the egg?  I became intrigued with the idea that cultivating a heart and mindset of thankfulness precedes “good” things happening in life and activates a flow of grace that enhances one’s ability to outlast challenging times.

Cultivating thankfulness implies an attentiveness to fostering, enriching developing and promoting this mindset. The opposite of cultivating, is neglect. Neglecting to be thankful causes self-harm in that thankless people tend to focus on everything that is not good in their lives and this often leads to poor health, depression and anxiety.

Being thankful and kind calms the nervous system (Hamilton, 2010) and promotes a sense of overall wellbeing (Sansone, Randy, Lori & Sandsone, 2010). We do not need research to encourage us to be thankful. This is going back to basic and simplistic living when we were taught by parents and caregivers as our speech developed, to say “Thank you”. Thankfulness is not a feeling it is a discipline and an intention. I am interested about my journey through my grief how much thankfulness has oiled the difficult areas I have walked through and how it strengthens me to stand in the hard places and embrace the memories of my love without wavering or questioning and asking “what if?”
  
I am thankful for how we met, thankful for the joy we found and lived with, thankful for our adventures, thankful for how we supported and cared for each other, thankful for how we believed in each other, thankful for the tough days and the good days, thankful for the cost of our love and what it took to be together, thankful for the sacrifice, thankful for the spontaneity of our days, thankful that we loved cooking together, thankful that I got to make the bed while he walked the dog, and thankful that I go to clean the toilets while he constructed “interesting meals”. I am thankful even in his death that I continue to learn many unique and wonderful stories about the way he lived. I miss him every day – I am thankful that I miss him because being relieved at his passing would say something quite different about our love.

There is so much to be thankful for. Don’t wait for the feeling or a gift. Get your immune system up. Allow thankfulness to help you transcend your current situation whatever it is. Cultivate a heart and mindset of thankfulness so that it activates a flow of grace that will enhance your ability to outlast challenging times. Thankfulness is smart living. Be smart J  


Reference
Hamilton, David. Why kindness is good for you. Hay House, Inc, 2010.

Sansone, Randy A., and Lori A. Sansone. "Gratitude and well being: The benefits of appreciation." Psychiatry (Edgmont) 7.11 (2010): 18.

Thursday 24 September 2015

The Difference between Blending and Blurring of Relational Lines

Over the years I have had the unique privileged of observing individuals interact in family, social, legal and corporate settings. My observation of human behaviour is always from a curious place.  I am very interested in understanding and identifying patterns and behaviours that promote health or ill health. It is where, as a helper, I get to do my most valuable work by differentiating the blurring of relational lines and the blending of these lines. The blending or blurring of lines influences the type and quality of relationships that emerge from these relational interactions and produce specific outcomes. 

In writing this article I have distinct recollection of a conversation with a dear friend many years ago, who had then been recently divorced. Her oldest child unintentionally began to behave in a way where she saw herself in a co-parenting role over her younger siblings. For a brief time my friend was happy for the support and sense of partnership until she had to discipline her oldest child and was met with anger and resistance. The blurring of their relational lines happened very subtly and began to undermine the health and the integrity of their relationship.  The blurring of lines most times occur on a subconscious level in our desire to assist others or when we are asserting our own needs. My friend was able to catch this issue early and have a boundary setting conversation that clearly defined the roles and responsibilities of child and parent. Safety and harmony returned to the relationship and the chaos that was threatening the family system by the confusion it brought to the younger siblings, dissolved.

These past years I have had the privilege of having a ringside seat and have watched with fascination this same family evolve relationally.  As the children became adults I observed my friend intentionally invite them into arenas were they would be contributors in decision making around family vacations or family crisis. The outcome to this purposeful blending of lines and invitation to the children to step up into mature and responsible ways of relating was intriguing and rewarding to witness. The sense of family, commitment, loyalty, equality and healthy self-assertion was enhanced by the responsiveness of the adult children to their mom’s invitation to partnership in specific areas of their relationship.

The blurring of relational lines, whether professional or in family relationships often to serve to either usurp someone else’s value or insinuate yours. Employees who work to push through defined boundaries by undermining their supervisors or others in management, short-circuit their invitation to collaboration and higher levels of service. Husbands and wives who usurp each other’s value in their home trigger confusion and instability in children. Children who choose to prematurely assert themselves in disrespectful ways initiate a culture of dishonour. Friends who blur the lines into each other’s lives sow seeds of mistrust and suspicion which inevitably results in guarded and shallow relationships. 

If your relationships, whether at work, socially or with your family seem a bit muddy and is marked by resistance, disrespect, confusion and suspicion – then it would be worthwhile for you to reflect and inspect the boundary lines in those relationships and determine if the lines have blurred over time for various reasons. Have the courage to initiate honest discussions to determine if an invitation was given to you that welcomed you into specific areas in your relationships. If you have assumed an invitation where none was given and those relational lines have become blurred, then respectfully and intentionally backup behind the line for the sake of your own emotional health - so that you can enjoy harmony and peace and see health come to these relationships.  


Sunday 9 August 2015

Resilience and its Relation to Grieving Responsibly



Resilience is Determined by Asking “How” and Not “Why”
The bounce back factor, that ability to recover after life has knocked you on your butt is controlled by your whys and your how tos. Why did this happen to me? Why did it happen now? Why do bad things happen to good people? These are questions that set us into downward spirals of thought and mood. Asking why in situations where you are powerless to change outcomes leads to dead end streets. Here anger, chaos, hopelessness and powerlessness live, rule and influence your ability to see and choose wisely.

I recently suffered a devastating loss. All my training and life experience came rushing forward in a heightened way to hold me accountable, so that I would to be responsible in my grieving. Being responsible in grief might seem odd to you – it felt odd to me. Yet, the more time I spent being present in my grief and the more time I thought about this accountability, I realized how empowering this awareness was to me. 
We have all witnessed at some time in our lives individuals who were reckless in their grief - lashing out in anger, using drugs and alcohol to escape reality and engaging in high risk behaviours. The fallout of this “reckless grief” is often strained or broken relationships, and physical, mental and emotional instability. 

One morning as I was getting ready, I was overcome with my sense of loss. I started to ask why? Why did this happen to me? Why now? I began to feel sad in an unhealthy way by the pull I was feeling to the “pit of depression”. I started to feel self-pity and felt victimized by my situation. Energy to face the day had spontaneously seeped from me and I could not find my feet. Feeling disoriented with the threat of me unraveling without being able to find an emotional knot to hold on to left me feeling fearful and powerless.

I took a breath and knew instinctively that if I kept asking why, I would not be able to find solid ground under my feet. I felt prompted to ask the question how. How can I get through the loss of my love and how can I get through the next 15, 30, 45 minutes? How can I get through the day? Asking how can I? – Shifted me. I felt strengthened and a different space opened before me. I was elevated out of the pit of depression and somehow I knew that I would survive, endure and eventually thrive again. Suddenly I could see the network of wonderful human beings surrounding my life and available to me in various ways. I was not alone! I was not isolated in my grief. 

Recent studies reveal that isolation and loneliness have significant impact on mental,  emotional and physical health.  I know this to be true from my experience. I also know from experience that making the necessary adjustments to my questioning and thinking allows me to connect even in grief in strong and abiding ways. If you have experienced a loss of a friendship, job, health, marriage or a loved one, think about how you feel when you constantly ask the question why? Now try asking how do I ….? Observe how you find inner strength by these self-empowering questions and how self-pity loses its hold on you.  Each day you do this more ground is covered and your “bounce back” factor will kick in. You will survive, endure and eventually thrive again. You will be resilient.  

Tuesday 9 June 2015

What Your Yes and No Says About Your Self-worth



Do you find yourself saying yes all the time to all requests made by those who matter in your world? Are you exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally? Do you find it difficult to say no? When you say no, do you ruminate and worry about what those you have said no to are thinking of you? Then it is very likely that you believe, 
                       “my self-worth = my performance and the opinion of others.”
When this distorted sense of self is accommodated you will do whatever you need to, to try and alleviate the pain and discomfort of being devalued or without value. It is difficult to say “no” when saying yes will bring you the validation, affirmation and recognition you need to feed this inaccurate sense of worth. 

The reality is the more you say yes to gain worth and approval the more you devalue yourself. I have heard countless stories of those who feel “taken advantage of, being unappreciated, invalidated and used”, because they are constantly asked to do things and they constantly agree to help regardless of whether they want to or not. Resentment builds in these individuals as they wait and hang all their efforts on being acknowledged and affirmed hoping to top up their self-worth. 

When you have a healthy sense of self saying no becomes the regulating valve to acknowledging your own value. Saying no to a friend, family member or boss is not an act of withholding but an act of assertion. It is saying yes to yourself to preserve and sustain your mental, emotional and physical health, valuing yourself - so that you can ultimately be of better service.

Saying yes out of obligation for fear of disapproval is different than saying yes because you want to. Saying no because you are self-absorbed and uninterested in helping is different from saying no because you understand your value and “get” how it will be compromised if you said yes. Your yes or no are the regulating valves to asserting and affirming your value. 

Value from without requires excessive amounts of energy to sustain itself. You are pulled into performance mode like a puppet on a string performing to gain worth. Value from within is anchoring. It is easy to assert your value when you know who you are. Who you are is not what you do. It is your innate sense of worth. You have value because you exist. You can’t earn it or perform for it. You just have to realize it.So according to the old adage, "let your yes be yes and your no be no." Know what you are saying yes to and why,  and know what you are saying no to and be unwavering. Be diligent about preserving your self-worth.

Saturday 9 May 2015

When Change Becomes Possible …


If we take a quick glance at the landscape of our lives we see that we typically keep what we love and what we are attached to. I have moved several times in my life and each time is an opportunity to purge the things that are no longer current or of value to me. Some painful memories of loss and heartache seem to inadvertently find their way to my next home. These artifacts lay hidden away in storage out of sight but always present in my world.

The same is true of our internals selves. As we take a panoramic view of our emotions, memories and thoughts we will find that disappointment, hurt, loss, broken dreams, hurtful and destructive thoughts and memories insidiously incubate in the deep sometimes not so deep recesses of ourselves, in boxes tagged “historical evidence” neatly wrapped in many coloured bows of avoidance as we attempt to move forward with our lives. 
 
The ‘drag affect’ in physics is known to be “the forces that act opposite to an object in motion” and is typical of headwind resistance to an airplane in flight, slowing down its speed. Conversely, if a plane has the influence of a tailwind then it increases, “the object's speed and reduces the time required to reach its destination.”

The drag affect is true of what happens for us emotionally. We desire change and sometimes feel the sense of urgency and desperation to break through personal barriers and old familial patterns with little success. Paul Simon captures it well in his song, “Slip slidin’ away, Slip slidin’ away, You know the nearer your destination, The more you’re slip slidin’ away “.
 
As long as our “historical evidence” is allowed to follow us, our desire for change is obstructed. What we avoid we incubate but what we challenge and purge leads to change. Historical evidence is just that – evidence from your past which is used to justify our current state, evidence to support our right to be angry, unforgiving or insulated in our misery. We come to embrace our pain not as a guest but as a permanent resident in our lives. We shape and adjust our lives around it ensuring that it is accommodated in case we need to use it as a visa validating our right to be isolated and withdrawn or to be offended and critical. 

If we don’t love our freedom more than we love our pain then …change will never be possible. Unresolved issues and offenses never die they go dormant waiting for the right set of circumstances to become another injury or offense. They act as headwind in your life limiting you and resisting your progress towards a healthier happier life.

Any path to freedom starts with a decision, is fueled by courage, supported by corresponding action and sustained by intentional living. These ingredients act as the headwind in your life taking you closer to your goals. I encourage you today to look at those boxes of “historical evidence” wrapped with bows of avoidance and begin to forgive others, forgive yourself, let go of years of turmoil and pain, create space to design for yourself the type of life you want to have. It is springtime purging is in order.