Over the years I have had the unique privileged of observing
individuals interact in family, social, legal and corporate settings. My
observation of human behaviour is always from a curious place. I am very interested in understanding and
identifying patterns and behaviours that promote health or ill health. It is
where, as a helper, I get to do my most valuable work by differentiating the
blurring of relational lines and the blending of these lines. The blending or
blurring of lines influences the type and quality of relationships that emerge
from these relational interactions and produce specific outcomes.
In writing this article I have distinct recollection of a
conversation with a dear friend many years ago, who had then been recently
divorced. Her oldest child unintentionally began to behave in a way where she saw
herself in a co-parenting role over her younger siblings. For a brief time my
friend was happy for the support and sense of partnership until she had to
discipline her oldest child and was met with anger and resistance. The blurring
of their relational lines happened very subtly and began to undermine the
health and the integrity of their relationship.
The blurring of lines most times occur on a subconscious level in our desire
to assist others or when we are asserting our own needs. My friend was able to
catch this issue early and have a boundary setting conversation that clearly
defined the roles and responsibilities of child and parent. Safety and harmony
returned to the relationship and the chaos that was threatening the family
system by the confusion it brought to the younger siblings, dissolved.
These past years I have had the privilege of having a ringside
seat and have watched with fascination this same family evolve
relationally. As the children became
adults I observed my friend intentionally invite them into arenas were they
would be contributors in decision making around family vacations or family crisis.
The outcome to this purposeful blending of lines and invitation to the children
to step up into mature and responsible ways of relating was intriguing and
rewarding to witness. The sense of family, commitment, loyalty, equality and
healthy self-assertion was enhanced by the responsiveness of the adult children
to their mom’s invitation to partnership in specific areas of their
relationship.
The blurring of relational lines, whether professional or in
family relationships often to serve to either usurp someone else’s value or insinuate
yours. Employees who work to push through defined boundaries by undermining
their supervisors or others in management, short-circuit their invitation to collaboration
and higher levels of service. Husbands and wives who usurp each other’s value
in their home trigger confusion and instability in children. Children who choose to
prematurely assert themselves in disrespectful ways initiate a culture of
dishonour. Friends who blur the lines into each other’s lives sow seeds of
mistrust and suspicion which inevitably results in guarded and shallow
relationships.
If your relationships, whether at work, socially or with
your family seem a bit muddy and is marked by resistance, disrespect, confusion
and suspicion – then it would be worthwhile for you to reflect and inspect the
boundary lines in those relationships and determine if the lines have blurred
over time for various reasons. Have the courage to initiate honest discussions
to determine if an invitation was given to you that welcomed you into specific areas
in your relationships. If you have assumed an invitation where none was given
and those relational lines have become blurred, then respectfully and
intentionally backup behind the line for the sake of your own emotional health -
so that you can enjoy harmony and peace and see health come to these
relationships.
