Thursday 25 September 2014

Sunglasses

Recently I was traveling with a girlfriend. She was driving and we were having a great visit. She was engaged in our conversation but I could tell that she had a greater appreciation for the scenery than I was having. Eventually she pulled off her funky sunglasses and handed it to me. My opinion of what I was seeing changed immediately as I saw the landscape in clear dimensions and vivid colour.

Perspective is something that came to mind. It is that ability to see things in the context of their environment. Prejudicial thinking often leads us to form opinions without bothering with the facts. We judge things through our filter of preference, level of comfort and opinion. When we do this our perspective is skewed because we judge facts through a filter that alters what we are looking at. The filter/perspective by which we view a matter is superimposed on the "actual" experience so that the reality/facts are distorted.

As a parent I place high value on respect. The thing that irritated me the most was when I used to give my children instructions for chores and they did not complete it or half completed it. I viewed their behaviour through my perspective that, "to follow through means that you have heard me and that you respect me to complete your task". My children's' insistence that they had forgotten or were distracted did not cut it for me and there was often consequences with little value in the outcomes. No one was happy. It was interesting that as I started to study and become more informed I realized that there were strong facts to support my children's "claims". Their prefrontal cortex - that part of their brain that involves rational thinking, where impulses are regulated and understanding of consequences is realized is underdeveloped in the teenage brain. My perspective changed from feeling disrespected to coach and educator. I began to find ways to help them remember and set systems in place that allowed them check in with me until their task were completed. What I was looking at did not change but the lens by which I was looking at did.

If you find that the same type of misunderstanding and conflict re-occurs in the various types of relationships in your life, it is likely that you are looking through a lens that colours the facts differently. Just like my friend's purple sunglasses caused me to have a greater appreciation for the landscape I was looking at, it is likely that a change in perspective will allow you to see the facts in the context of their reality and that distortion will give way so that you are able to make informed and healthier choices. This way you break old and dysfunctional patterns as you begin to view your world differently.


Friday 12 September 2014

NO DUMPING ALLOWED !

“I am not a toxic wasteland; no dumping allowed" Abby Napora

Understanding the value of boundaries is the best gift you can give yourself. When healthy boundaries are set they preserve that space for you to continue to do your work to become the you that you want to be, and makes a demand on those around you to respect the requirement you set in place to maintain your health.

For this to occur you must have a sense of your personal value so that you are able to assert your value through boundary setting conversations. When this does not occur in your relationships then boundary lines become blurred and you become a dumping ground for others toxic emotions and dysfunctional behaviours.  

 

Most fear setting boundaries because they fear losing relationships or creating distance in their emotional ties with those they love. The opposite is true. Boundaries question and bring clarification to the type and quality of bond you have with those you relate to. If your bond only exists with a friend around talking and criticising other friends then that bond needs to be inspected in light of what emotional health and relationships mean to you.  Otherwise you will always feel unsafe in that relationship - because if this friend can "gossip" so freely about others you will always doubt your safety in that relationship. So, an example of a boundary setting conversation in this context would be, “I so desire to cultivate and strengthen my friendship with you. It would be meaningful for me if we focused on those things that make us better as individuals. For this to happen can we commit to not talking about others except we do it in a positive way? If I see that others are being talked about in a negative way I want to give you the heads up that I will be dis-engaging from the conversation. I need to do this because I don't want to be a toxic dumping ground."

 

If you are feeling overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted it is likely that your boundaries are permeable. You may be a dumping ground for people who cannot manage their own toxic emotions and need to release some to you in order to relieve some of their own pressure - yet all they do is make room for more toxic emotions and their process to deal with the issues that need attention in their lives become interrupted by your enablement.  

 

Setting boundaries keeps you safe and redirects others to do their own work. "I love you and I want you in my life but your anger needs to be checked at the door of our friendship. If you cannot find a way to manage your anger, I will have to limit our visits to an hour instead of a day. I really hope that we can continue to grow together but your anger hinders our ability to establish a closer and more meaningful friendship."  

 

Setting boundaries is like putting on a hazmat suit. It allows you to be in toxic environments where you can offer support and assistance without compromising your own value by succumbing to and being overcome by others inability to cope with their own emotional toxicity. Setting boundaries require reflection and courage. Determine what is important and then tap into your desire to be better choose to be courageous and then schedule boundary setting conversations and put up the sign posts around your life - " I am not a toxic wasteland; no dumping allowed."

Tuesday 2 September 2014

Energy Smart

Recently we had a consultant come into our offices to evaluate our energy consumption and identify things we could do to help us conserve energy and save money on our hydro bill. The benefit to us was amazing. First, we were able to access rebates that we did not know were available to us, then we gained cosmetically appealing lighting systems and last of all, we were able to save money. This was an incredible deal - but, it required us acknowledging the consultant's report as valid, and then taking steps to embrace and implement her recommendations.

This got me thinking about 'energy depleters' in our lives and those things that drain energy from us – those things that cost us more than we are able to give. There is a saying that goes, "unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."  When unforgiveness is active in a person's life there is a tendency to spend massive amounts of emotional energy, ruminating, reliving the instances of hurt, being resentful and thinking of ways to be vengeful. It is interesting to note that the 'objects' of our unforgiveness often float through life with a certain amount of 'normalcy' and this irks us further, causing us to be incubators of  more and more toxic emotions. We become, mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted - this is a high price to pay for what takes value and gives nothing in return.

Forgiveness is the ability to discharge yourself from the act and the person who harmed you so that you are free to heal and make different choices for yourself. The distorted thinking that exists for many is that you need the person who harmed you to ask you for forgiveness in order to heal. Though asking for forgiveness is ideal it is not necessary. Some people wait a lifetime and go to their graves waiting for someone to apologize having being held hostage to the person and circumstances. When forgiveness is extended whether asked or not, you choose to no longer allow the offending person to have power over your days and your life. You stave off the places where you hemorrhage emotional and mental energy and conserve strength for efforts that can improve the quality of your life. During this process you will access benefits because of your choice to forgive that you would have otherwise been oblivious to – such as physical health and overall wellbeing.

If you have been attached to offenders and their offenses longer than you need to, if you can't remember the last time you were free of resentment and anger; it is likely that you have "drunk" the toxic poison of unforgiveness and energy has been sapped from your life causing you misery and pain. Go ahead and choose your freedom today over the offenders and their acts and discharge yourself from their ongoing power and control in your life.  Save your energy for you - be energy smart.