Thursday 22 May 2014

Connecting with Others Through Empathy - Experience Not Necessary


The essence of empathy is that ability to understand and feel human pain and suffering without having to experience it directly. It is that deep connection that one feels with another person walking through challenges as if one is walking through that experience oneself. On this premise, it is not necessary that empathy be matched by personal experience.

However, the rate of connection for example, between two women who have lost children tends to occur more quickly than with a woman who has, and a woman who has not lost a child. When I lost my baby, many friends surrounded me and supported me. The sharing of my loss, pain and grief was a precursor to the empathy I felt from my friends. They could not connect with my depth of emotional pain before I shared it. One friend however, had lost a child and the connection I had with her was different. It was immediate and it was unspoken. She sat next to me and did not have to say anything or ask anything but I knew that she understood and felt my deepest and saddest emotion and suffering. This gave me a different type of support. She became a beacon of hope for me in that I could see myself enduring and surviving this deep loss as she did, instead of being overwhelmed and immobilized by my grief.

The rest of my friends were incredible. They cried with me and shared in my sorrow. Though I felt their empathy and could rely on them for anything, they could not touch me in that place of grief the way this particular friend had.  Her support anchored me and gave me the will to fight, the support and empathy of my other friends gave me strength to endure. The connection I felt with the friends who had not, and the friend who had experienced a similar loss to me was equal in value but different in function.

Most of us have great capacity to be empathetic. Yet, we struggle about how to support those we love when we have not experienced loss as they have. It would be unrealistic to expect me as a therapist to have experienced every emotional and mental trauma known to man in order for me to make that empathic connection with my clients.  It would be akin to a surgeon having his leg removed in order to empathize with his patient whose limb he had to remove. You can still achieve empathic connection in an environment of compassion, acceptance, trust, honesty and respect, even when you don't share similar experiences with others. It is likely that the connection will build slowly as you listen, reflect and walk through the loss together.  This is in contrast to that immediate connection felt when two people share a similar experience.  The important thing is that the connection is made and sustained through empathy and the unconditional care that you extend to those you care for.  The quality of connection between people is not contingent upon shared experiences but on your  ability to connect and identify with that raw human essence in the core of each person's struggle and how they respond to this extension of care and empathy from you. Avoiding people's pain because you have not experienced it interrupts our human design to serve and heal each other through our humanness.

We are living in tragic times where many families amongst us are experiencing suicides, accidents, divorce, sickness and abuse. This calls for us to extend ourselves to those who are hurting. While we cannot fix their pain, being present with those who are hurting can give them the will to fight and the courage to endure and allow us the privilege to grow and heal together. Go be present with someone today and remember that words are not necessary only caring is.
 

Wednesday 7 May 2014

"Necessity is the Mother of Invention"

It is believed that Plato was the author of this saying, which contains the meaning that difficult situations actually inspire creative ways to deal with such difficulties. It is an interesting thought that problems themselves contain the ability to inspire you towards actions and solutions. That, within the problem lies the solution is a very different way of looking at problems.

Re-framing in therapy is a technique used to assist individuals in seeing things differently by changing the lens through which they view their challenges. It is how facts are preserved and assumptions are confronted. Assumptions are the frames that limit your capabilities and your perception of self.

When you change the frame, the power of the assumption or false belief is destabilized and often broken as the structure that holds a belief together is challenged and can no longer support that belief. A thought or a situation that often arises for me is, "I cannot reach anything" - the frame or belief that holds this statement together is, " being short limits me." If I reframe by saying that, "Dynamite comes in small packages", I am not denying my small/short stature but I have changed how I see my smallness.

As necessity mothers invention, reframing mothers possibilities and causes you to see situations through alternative and creative ways. For example, you could say, "This conflict in my marriage or place of work is an impossible situation" you can choose to distort, exaggerate or deny the factors around this conflict or you can choose to reframe the situation. If you are able to reframe, then you can create new ways of thinking. Instead of seeing the situation as impossible you can say, "This conflict gives us the opportunity to find new ways of relating." The reframe shifts you into a new place and instead of withdrawing from the conflict and feeling hopeless, hope is unlocked and creative solutions and strategies come into view.

Like necessity inspires innovation and invention, reframing dismantles supporting beliefs around limiting thoughts and causes you to shift into new perspective and creative thinking zones.

So... happy dismantling. Remember preserve the fact but change the assumption/belief and then begin to create the way you would like to live. My reframe today is that I am no longer living to work but I am working to live!