Do you find yourself saying yes all the time to all
requests made by those who matter in your world? Are you exhausted physically,
mentally and emotionally? Do you find it difficult to say no? When you say no,
do you ruminate and worry about what those you have said no to are thinking of
you? Then it is very likely that you believe,
“my self-worth = my performance and the opinion of others.”
“my self-worth = my performance and the opinion of others.”
When this distorted sense of self is accommodated you
will do whatever you need to, to try and alleviate the pain and discomfort of
being devalued or without value. It is difficult to say “no” when saying yes
will bring you the validation, affirmation and recognition you need to feed
this inaccurate sense of worth.
The reality is the more you say yes to gain worth and
approval the more you devalue yourself. I have heard countless stories of those
who feel “taken advantage of, being unappreciated, invalidated and used”,
because they are constantly asked to do things and they constantly agree to
help regardless of whether they want to or not. Resentment builds in these
individuals as they wait and hang all their efforts on being acknowledged and
affirmed hoping to top up their self-worth.
When you have a healthy sense of self saying no
becomes the regulating valve to acknowledging your own value. Saying no to a
friend, family member or boss is not an act of withholding but an act of
assertion. It is saying yes to yourself to preserve and sustain your mental,
emotional and physical health, valuing yourself - so that you can ultimately be
of better service.
Saying yes out of obligation for fear of disapproval
is different than saying yes because you want to. Saying no because you are
self-absorbed and uninterested in helping is different from saying no because
you understand your value and “get” how it will be compromised if you said yes.
Your
yes or no are the regulating valves to asserting and affirming your value.
Value from without requires excessive amounts of
energy to sustain itself. You are pulled into performance mode like a puppet on
a string performing to gain worth. Value from within is anchoring. It is easy
to assert your value when you know who you are. Who you are is not what you do.
It is your innate sense of worth. You have value because you exist. You can’t
earn it or perform for it. You just have to realize it.So according to the old adage, "let your yes be yes and your no be no." Know what you are saying yes to and why, and know what you are saying no to and be unwavering. Be diligent about preserving your self-worth.
